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Thursday, September 25, 2003
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THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
I just finished watching CNBC's debate among the 53 Democrats running for the presidential nomination. This debate reinforced the problem that I have with all political debates, specifically, that they avoid the obvious questions. Everybody knows a Democrats position on most issues: "Social Security? GOOOD! Privitatization? BAAD! Environment? GOOD? Pollution? BAAAD! Women? GOOOD! Abortion? BETTTER!" (You'll note I didn't mention having interns blowing Democrats or Democrats drowning campaign volunteers ONCE! That's because I'm tasteful)
I feel there are questions that should be asked the current candidates. No, questions that must be asked. Some candidates warrant more than one question while some warrant none. But I'll ask at least one question of all the candidates. So far as equal time requirements go... Well, the FCC can eat me. Raw. This is the privlidge of being Canadian.
Senator John Kerry: Senator Kerry, how did you fuck up a fifteen point lead against someone no one had ever heard of other than being Governor of state that most Americans think is part of Canada? Are you retarded?
Governor Howard Dean: Governor, do you have a timetable on when you plan to punch another candidate? How can you sign "civil unions" legislation and be against gay marriage? Do you plan on crying in public before the New Hampshire primary? How would you respond to the allegation that you have the smile of someone who has murdered multiple prostitutes?
Representative Dick Gephardt: For someone who screams repeatedly about "fighting Newt Gingrich", how do you explain his beating you like a girl three times? Why should the American people trust a man without eyebrows? Can I call you Dick?
Ambassador Carol Mosley-Brawn: Ambassador, are you running for the presidency merely so that you may pardon yourself for any felonies we have yet to discover or that you may plan on committing?
General Wesley Clark: General Clark, you voted for Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan twice. You recently praised the Bush administration. Did you only enter the Democratic party three weeks ago because they needed a guy that had a cool suit with ribbons, stars and medals and they couldn't get Michael Jackson?
Reverend Al Sharpton: Is the popmpadour the only hairstyle that you feel adequately conceals your horns? Will you say hi to Tawanna Brawley for me?
Senator John Edwards: Since you withdrew from running for re-election to the Senate and have no hope of becoming President, are you afraid of getting a cramp from chasing that first ambulance next year?
Senator Joe Lieberman: Considering that you share so many positions with the President, are you running because he can't adequately defend your shared positions in Yiddish? Do you plan on winning more votes than the President yet still losing this time as well?
Representative Dennis Kucinch: Exactly which Tolkein character are you? Are you insane?
Senator Bob Graham: Who are you?
Currently Reading "The Years of Lyndon Johnson: Master of the Senate" - Robert A. Caro
Number of Times I've Masturbated Today: 4
Easy Listening:
"But she's had a sugar daddy
and a candy apple Caddy
and a bank account and everything
accustomed to the finer things
he probably left her for a socialite
and he didn't love her 'cept at night
and then he's drunk and never
even told her that he cared
so they took the registration
and the car-keys and her shoes
And left her with an invitation
to the blues"
Tom Waits
Invitation to the Blues
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