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Tuesday, September 23, 2003
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IN PRAISE OF KILGORE TROUT
I continue my ongoing correspondence with the lovely and talented (and, it turns out, suprisingly svelte) Kilgore Trout. Young Kilgore is crafty indeed. First, he softens me up with lofty praise, then points out three different ways that I'm fuctionally retarded.
His letter is posted below, my responses are italicized.
Hello MJ,
I stand in awe of the breathtaking scope of your knowledge of the political history and current affairs of countries where you do not actually live (That's awfully sweet, Kilgore.I'd be much prouder of myself if this could get me laid. Even once.). I, by contrast, am but a sad and envious man, with a flaccid intellect suited only for picking at minor mistakes made by greater minds (I'd hold off on that until you saw my SATs. And flaccid would be a nice change for me, really it would). So here goes:
1. In your excellent post on civil rights for fat people, you stated that Deidra Everett, who is 5-foot-10 and weighs 460 pounds, would be at her ideal weight if she were "25 feet tall." Actually, according to calculations I made regarding Body Mass Index, Ms. Everett can reach a "normal" BMI -- less than 25 -- if she increases her height to just 9-foot-6. Alternatively, she can lose 252 pounds, in which case she will be merely "overweight."
Okay, I exaggerated a little. So sue me! Wait...You're American, you might litigate. Nevermind. Although, 9 foot 6 gets me awfully aroused, but this will just start me on Arwen's_Curse again. Though she does seem to like it when I mention her here. Note to self: Mention her more.
Interestingly, if Ms. Everett laid down on top of and parallel to a railroad track and was cut in half by a train, (assuming it could survive the impact), each half-Deidra would have a BMI of 33, on a scale where 30 and above is "obese." Your BMI, MJ, is 19.8. Mine, for the benefit of single women in the Denver metro area, is 22.2.
While cutting Ms. Everett in half with a train sounds tantalizing for any number of reasons, it strikes me as impractical. It's also stomach turning that a "half-Deidra" would STILL have a BMI approaching mine and Kilgore's COMBINED! I also must point out that I have a lower BMI than Kilgore's. This makes me more sexually appealing! The patriarchal media told me so. And unlike Kilgore, I'm willing to travel. (Note to Kilgore: Every little bit helps.)
2. In an otherwise well-informed post regarding gay marriage in America, you stated that a "Defense of Marriage" Constitutional amendment would require the approval of 36 states. This used to be true, but a few years back we let Alaska and Hawaii join our happy little homophobic party, and nowadays Constitutional amendments have to pass muster in 38 states (three-fourths of 50 is 37.5, round up).
In response to this point, I'll concede two things; A) I write my posts very quickly and don't tend to think much when I do. I'm thrilled when I used proper paragraph structure and capitalize the right things. I may be obnoxious, ugly and stupid, but I'm easy to read. B) I suck at math. Although conventional wisdom does dictate 37 states to be adequate for a Constitutional Ammendment, I will bow to your abacus.
3. On September 21, you misspelled "chanteuse". Also: Beyoncé has an accent on the second "e".
I misspell many French words. Spellcheck doesn't recognize them and I would reserve the right tomisspelll them even if it did. You'd have to share a fucking country with those people to understand. I also refuse to recognize anyone from Houston, Texas having the right to an accent in their name. I'm funny that way, I guess.
Much love,
Right back atcha
Kilgore Trout, Chaotic Not Random
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