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Wednesday, September 10, 2003
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JOHN KERRY IS A WORTHLESS DOUCHEBAG
Most sociologists will tell you that the worst violence takes place at home. The Boston Globe proved that this morning with Brian McGory's savage editorial on Massachusettes Senator John Kerry. I've been dying for someone for someone to take on this blow-dried retard for nearly a decade. I just never figured it would be someone so close to home. Or so coming so close to calling him a "blow-dried retard."
The most original idea out of this idiot's well-coiffed head is "Hey, my initials are JFK too so I should be president!" And he has "Candidate Smile." I fucking hate "Candidate Smile!" Most candidates have one nowadays and they're all misleading. The President's "Candidate Smile" makes him look cocky and arrogant. Howard Dean's "Candidate Smile" says "I have 17 dead prostitutes in my crawl space." Senator Kerry's "Candidate Smile" is somewhere between "Officer, I swear she said she was over 18", and "Why am I here?"
Here are some exerpts from Kerry's car accident of an appearance on "Meet the Press" from August 31.
MR. RUSSERT: This is the way your hometown paper The Boston Globe described your announcemet.
I want to talk about it and give you a chance to respond. "Senator John F. Kerry plans to make a Sept. 2 public announcement that he is running for president. That is not news. The news is where he plans to tell us what we already know: Not in Massachusetts but in South Carolina. Last month, after 'two days of meetings with 21 top political aides,' Kerry discussed his plans for a 'formal announcement speech possibly set against a backdrop of the USS Constitution' in Boston Harbor, ... So, why the change of venue? ...
A Boston political consultant and Kerry supporter who did not want to be named summed up the campaign strategy ... 'We're in this no matter what happens in Iowa and New Hampshire.' South Carolina, Michigan, those places down the road might be the salvation if we don't prevail in New Hampshire. ... To political junkies, Kerry's revised itinerary speaks volumes. ... current polling snapshots do not paint a breezy political picture for Kerry presidential campaign in Iowa or New Hampshire." Why South Carolina?
SEN. KERRY: It's a great place to begin(ENGLISH TRANSLATION: "I'm Howard Dean's bitch in New Hampshire, which is next door to my house and that place in the Midwest no one's ever heard of.If I can't make it there, I'm fucked! South Carolina is my OK Corral.") I want to prove that my campaign is prepared to go all around the country. It is. It also works out in terms of the logistics. We ran into problems the week afterwards because of the Congressional Caucus debate. I like it. I'm glad I'm going to South Carolina. I have a campaign that will speak to the country, and I look forward to showing the nation that I have the judgment, the experience, the leadership skills and I'm ready to be president of the United States(And failing that, I'll run to be Goldilocks!").
MR. RUSSERT: Let me show you and our viewers those polls in Iowa that people are talking about. Here's Iowa: Howard Dean at 25, Gephardt at 21, John Kerry at 16. And look at New Hampshire, in February, you were ahead 26 to 13. Now, John Kerry trailing Howard Dean by 21 points in New Hampshire, neighboring state to Massachusetts. What happened?
SEN. KERRY: Tim, I'm not concerned about it ( I'm past worrying, I'm well into crying like a woman). I think that, you know, the summertime is not when presidential races are won, number one. Number two, Howard Dean's done a good job (He'll own my ass at the Convention). I give him great credit. He's been out there, very visibly spending money on TV and elsewhere (Which we all know he's raised more of than me, the motherfucker!). We haven't done that. But more importantly, I don't think I've kicked my campaign off sufficiently (Because, after all, I've only been running for 10 months). We are coming out this week (That's right, I'm going for the Gay Vote!).
MR. RUSSERT: How and why? Democrats are being asked to make a choice. Compare and contrast John Kerry with Howard Dean.
SEN. KERRY: Well, first of all, I think George Bush has proven that the presidency is not the place for on-the-job training in this new security world and foreign policy challenges. For governors, Howard Dean has zero experience in international affairs (You know, like Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush.Did you know that the last president elected from the Senate was Kennedy? And before that was Harding? Waitaminute, that doesn't help my argument, does it?) This is a moment to make America safer, stronger and more secure. And I have years of experience in helping to do that. Number two, I differ with them on issues. I think that the middle class needs to be helped in America. Howard Dean, Mr. Gephardt, several other candidates want to raise taxes on the middle class. I don't want to do that. They want to get rid of the whole Bush tax cut (I just want to get rid of most of it, but not in a way that I'll ever admit. Read my lips!) I think the problem in America is not that the middle class has too much money, Tim (As unusual as that is for a Democrat to say, I know!). They're hurting (And I feel their pain! C'mon, who can blame me for trying? It worked before!") And I don't want us reinstating the marriage penalty. So we say to people, "Hey, if you get married, we're going to charge you more in taxes." I don't want to take away the child care credit from people and I certainly don't want to reach out to the people we Democrats fought hard to protect-a waitress (a White House Intern) or a construction worker or, you know, a student who's earning money on the side (or a White House Intern. I REALLY want one of those, Tim! Aren't I prettier than Clinton?) and say to them all of a sudden, "Hey, we're taking back the $300 and the $600. If you're a $40,000 income earner,Howard Dean's going to raise your taxes more than 20 times.And I don't want to do that (But, more than likely,I probably will.)
MR. RUSSERT: Do you believe that Howard Dean is ready to be leader of the Free World?
SEN. KERRY>:(Tim, are you a fucking retard? Yeah, I'm gonna declare a guy who's kicking my ass QUALIFIED to kick my ass on national television!) Well, that's for the voters to judge (But, I'd like to be on the ticket if I do get my ass kicked.) I just believe there are big differences in our experience and differences in what we offer the country (Did you know a full 9% of our presidents have left office before the end of their term, all but one in a box, Tim?) This is a dangerous world we live in. September 11 was our December 7, Tim (Please don't ask me of what year, Tim.) And people all across America are frightened about the physical safety in their homes, let alone the security of their jobs and their future. This is a time for tested leadership for America, and I believe that my foreign policy leadership through the years is what the country needs (Did you know my "Cock Rings for Angola Act of 1993 failed to pass by only 3 votes? Fucking Republicans!). We need someone who understands that you don't rush into war without a plan for peace (Well at least short wars without a plan. I know what you're thinking, Democrats only engage in really long wars. Like World War 1. And 2. And Korea. And Vietnam, don't forget that! Why do Republicans get all the SHORT wars? Maybe God IS on their side.) and who knows how to make that plan effective, somebody who can move proliferation to the level that it ought to be on the international scale, someone who's had experience with global warming issues and international environmental challenges, who knows how to lead America to a better place (Okay, you've got me. I'm full of shit.Global warming and the enviornment have nothing to do with war. Let's both just walk away from it, okay?)
And I'll tell you, after I'm sworn in, one of the first things I'm going to do is go to the United Nations and turn over a new chapter in America's relationship with the world (my statutory rape smile has its advantages, you know), one that strengthens our security and our saftey.
MR. RUSSERT: Your campaign manager is quoted as follows: "Howard Dean is a very crafty, very calculating politician." Do you agree?
SEN. KERRY>:(Yes, He's beating me like a rented mule, isn't he?) I don't want to make any characterizations, I wish my campaign were not making characterizations of people publicly and I don't like that (But, I'm busy trying to run the free world. You can't honestly expect me to run my own campaign, do you?)
And it went on.....and on...and on. It got funnier, too. But I'm very depressed right now and I'm not sure that the bold and itallic tags will work on this and I don't want to go through another two hours of transcript just to get angry. But in case I get too lazy or depressed to finish you can read the whole transcript here and insert your own fucking jokes. I'm tired and I have to be in court in the morning.
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