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Saturday, October 18, 2003
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BETTER OFF WITHOUT A WIFE....OR IS THE WIFE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME?
"all my friends are married
every Tom and Dick and Harry
you must be strong
to go it alone
here's to the bachelors
and the bowery bums
and those who feel that they're the ones
who are better off without a wife"
-Tom Waits
"Better Off Without A Wife"
In the almost 9 weeks that I've been unemployed, I've been finding it harder and harder to find things to write about. Insularity does little in the way of creative inspiration. Don't get me wrong, the car accident/snuff movie that is my life is replete with things that I could wax poetic on for days. I could write about how I lost my job but I don't have another one yet and that story is a little too dangerous to tell until I am again gainfully employed. I could pontificate on the chaos, disorder and rampant heartache in my personal relationships in the last 10 months (and that would be a truly wild read) but almost all of the people involved in that ugliness are regular readers of this blog and no matter how I spin or how complementary I am to everyone, someone will find a reason to get pissed off. And for the first time in months, I've managed to go three weeks straight without being completely miserable. I'd like to keep it that way. So, I can't write about that either.
I could write about the unification of the Canadian right that occurred this week and how it's almost certain to collapse by the time the expected federal election is called in the spring. The problem with that is that I think my Canadian readership consists of about 4 people and my predominantly American readership, for the most part isn't sure if Canada is north or south of the United States.
I guess I could handicap the Democratic primaries and tell you all who the nominee will be five months ahead of time but you all already know just how brilliant and adorable I am (although only one of you knows how hot I am in a sundress.) Besides, I have a feeling that I've bored the fuck out of everyone by writing incessantly about the Savagely Wrong California Recall for the last 10 weeks. So, I'll save that for another day.
I'm pretty sure that I could write about Roy Horn but I doubt I could make a barely closeted "beast master" getting gored by his own fucking cat funnier than it already is. Besides, everyone would say I'm just bitter that I don't look that good in tight, sequined pants and have a mulletted, homo sidekick and everyone would be right.
There's also the guy who decided he was going to start the "Garden of Eden" in Harlem....so he kept an alligator and a tiger in his fifth floor walkup, which sounds more like Noah's Ark than the Garden of Eden, but what do I know?
So let's review, shall we? I'm not miserable but I can't write about the reasons I was. My political analysis bores the fuck out of everyone except maybe Greeny and Americans aren't very good at geography. Anything else I could write about is already funnier than I could make it. Weeee.
Usually when I'm lacking for something to write about, I do what everyone does; I scour other peoples blogs looking for a topic then I steal it. I'm just more honest about it than other people. My honesty is a big part of my appeal. It's also the primary reason that I'll probably be forever single but I'm getting ahead of myself.
I started going through all my favorite blogs and found that no one has really been updating theirs recently. So I did what I usually do when I get desperate...I started going through people's archives hoping to find something I missed the first time around. As I was parusing Mary Magdalicious' blog (which I really can't say enough good things about) I found this. Then I knew that I could write endlessly.
The good folks at NoMarriage.com are right on their views about marriage, I just disagree on their reasons for holding those views. The website takes the position are that most of the problems are caused by the woman. And this may well be true unless I'm thrown into the equation.
In 33 years, there has been a grand total of 4 women that I've fantasized about marrying. 2 were smart enough to not want to have a fucking thing to do with me. None of the four deserve a fate anywhere near as harrowing as being married to me would be. The problem isn't that I didn't/don't love them...I did/do more than I thought I could. The problem is that I hate myself more than I can love anyone else. That's one of the reasons that being in a relationship with me is so much fun!
I'm really not that difficult to get along with, honest I'm not. I really only ask one thing of people. Unfortunately, it happens to be "leave me the fuck alone!" I'm told that this is not conducive to being a good husband or father. Which leads me to fatherhood. All my life, I've been told that I would be a good dad. And I might be except for the fact that I'm fucking terrified of a child growing up to be anything like me. And two of the 4 that I've wanted to marry have kids. I'm lucky like that. Who knows? I might be able to contain my self-loathing enough that I could actually give it a shot. I've recently started considering this course of action: If around children for a prolonged period of years, pretend to be a decent human being. Even if it doesn't work out, the kid would at least learn to be a proficient liar.
My problem is finding somebody dumb enough to give me a shot. Which leads to the main curse of my life; I love smart women. All the women I've ever fallen in love with have been smarter than I am. I think you see the dilemma here, If a woman is smart enough for me to be interested, she's smart enough not to want to have a fucking thing to do with me.
Maybe I will die alone.
And who said I wasn't an upbeat guy.
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