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Wednesday, October 22, 2003
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LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX, BABY
Everyone always tells me that they're good with pets. "I love my dog" they'll declare. "I'm better with animals than I am with people" (which given the mental state of the people who've said this to me is probably true.) But I seriously doubt that any of the PETA motherfuckers are as dedicated to loving the animal kingdom as this guy is.
It appears that Mr. David Thomson of Wayne County, Michigan has much love for the bitches. Okay, one bitch. Specifically, Sparkles, the female dog of his then girlfriend. Thomson was coitus interrupted by the girlfriend's 10 year old daughter. One would assume that Mr. Thomson would've sat the girl down and explained that what he was doing was perfectly acceptable because his carnal canine was female. Only if the dog was male would it be....weird.
But the girl went to her mom, who of course went to the police. Jealous bitches.
The funniest part of this story is the bail conditions. Specifically, Thomson is ordered to stay away from Sparkles. Just like the Man to get in the way of true love.
Some relationships work out better than others. We all know that. But I think the most successful relationships thrive because of shared hobbies. Granted, this couple in New Orleans have hobbies you won't often find listed in a personals ad.
"Single white stripper seeks male, 35-45 years old with a passion for group sex, murder and dismemberment. You'll be a rugged outdoorsman who isn't afraid to cry when I rat you out for a reduced sentence."
And I thought strippers would be the best girlfriends!
Some couples go a little too far in getting their kids into show business. And please don't tell me that I'm the only one who isn't surprised that the child pornography investigation began in Japan. Those people are sick fuckers, particularly where banging very young girls is involved. Japan should be nuked on a weekly basis until those depraved bastards get their shit together sexually.
Better yet, send the United States Marine Corps back in. The Marines are sexually twisted in ways that the English language is at a loss to describe. The Marines are an elite, government subsidized corps of sex offenders. Watch the local news, in almost every sexual assault case you'll hear this phrase "the suspect, a former Marine..."
Most people think that perversion is the exclusive realm of men. This is not the case....we're just better at it. But you girls shouldn't feel bad. You have some promising amateurs! I've often thought (and have been repeatedly told) that I find the most disturbing things amusing and that I posses a darkly savage sense of humor. But never in a million years would I have come up with this sick little scenario. A woman, a dildo in her pants and three kids sounds more like a punchline than a criminal complaint.
I've said a lot of disturbing things in the five months I've been blogging and I'm proud of most of them. But the idea of a middle aged woman hitting a seven year old girl on the head with a dildo is too wrong even for me.
In other sex news, Qusay Hussein is now the most famous dead porn star since John Holmes. Plans are already in the works for Val Kilmer to play Qusay in a movie no one will ever see. It should be noted that Qusay was killed in July by....U.S Marines.
Housewives of the world beware! Should you ever decide to send naked pictures of yourselves to me (at skippystalin@yahoo.com) please be careful not to leave the polaroids lying around the apartment where your husbands can find them. Jesus, haven't you broads heard of webcams? In a pinch, you can tell your husbands that you took the pictures for them and were going to surprise them "at the right time." They should buy that! But whatever you do, keep my name out of it. I'm a lover, not a fighter.
In closing, I really need a job before I end up like this guy. I love my "dirty Canadian cock" even if I am currently between partners to share in its glory. I'd hate to lose it to say....Visa.
There that should be a long enough post to keep you jackals happy for awhile.
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