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Saturday, October 25, 2003
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LOVE & MARRIAGE
You didn't think that I would let the whole David Gest/Liza Manelli debacle go without pitching my two cents in, did you? Wow, I love this story from the bottom of my black little heart.
Now, I'm not a homosexual with enough facelifts to make me look like the fucking Joker but I'm pretty sure that if I was I still wouldn't swear under oath that Liza kicked my ass. That's got to be humiliating. Besides, as a world reknowned collector of Judy Garland memorabilia (*cough, cough, HOMO,cough, cough*) He should be proud to have attained the ultimate collectable...the daughter. And if I know anything at all, I know that the most worth-while things that we attain are the biggest pains in the ass to get and keep.
But this civil complaint is priceless! Let's review it point by point, shall we?
"At the time of the marriage plantiff was a world renown event and concert producer-promoter. He had produced the Michael Jackson tribute concert extravaganza" Wow, even Raoul Felder is writing like a gay man these days. "which was acclaimed as the highest rated music special in the history of television." And still lost a boatload of money,right? That one?
"Notwithstanding the foregoing, at the time of the marriage, the defendant's career had been eclipsed..." Yeah, but only by Siegfried and Roy and now that they're out of the way.... "she was an alcoholic, overweight, unable to be effectively merchandised, could not get insurance to perform concerts onstage, or in any other artistic media." Okay, I fail to see how this is news. Liza has been a drunken has-been for decades now. I can see how Gest didn't know this though, he was busy losing money on Michael Jackson.
"While picking up the food with the assistance of a local driver, Catherine Adams, the defendant instructed Ms. Adams to purchase two (2) bottles of vodka for her claiming they were for a friend who was at the parties hotel suite, and who was in Alcoholics Anonymous and therefore unable to buy her own alcohol." Wow, I hope Liza can sponsor me if I ever go to AA! That would rawk! I'd get my chip and two (2) bottles of vodka. I hope AA really does work like that. Another point is that this complaint makes AA look like the fucking KGB. There are elite squads of dry drunks scoping out every restaurant and corner store in the developed world.
"The defendant remained in the car while Ms. Adams went into the Chinese restaurant. Ms. Adams was unaware of the exent of the defendant's problems with alcohol." How could she not be?!? Christ, even small children know about Liza being a drunk. That's the only thing that Liza is actually famous for these days.
"During the time between Ms. Adams purchased the alcohol and returned to the automobile from the Chinese restaurant, the defendant consumed one (1) bottle of vodka and poured the other into a water bottle." Fuck me, Liza is good! I'm not sure I could shoot back an entire bottle of vodka that quickly. Maybe celebrities ARE better than the rest of us.
"Plantiff followed the defendant into the bedroom in an attempt to calm her down." This I believe. I can't see any other reason for David Gest to be in a woman's bedroom. "In the bedroom the bedroom the defendant began beating the plaintiff about the head and face with her fists without relenting." Christ, the only thing that's worse than complaining about being beaten up by a girl is admitting you've been beaten up by a drunk girl. Everybody knows that the only two groups of people who can't throw a punch are girls and drunks!
"Plantiff, not wishing to injure defendant, limited his actions to trying to avoid the blows by crossing his arms over his face and shouting repeatedly, "Liza, stop it, stop it." God, I wish I could post audio on the blog. I do a killer impression of what that most sound like.
"Defendant eventually begged for Mr. Handi's assistance. Mr. Handi then took one of defendant's hands and she punched him in the stomach." Wowee, drunk Liza is quite the spitfire! "Mr. Handi kept repaeating 'Liza, it's me, Imad, I'm your friend.' She replied, 'I have no friends. My husband is using me to be a star." No, Liza...he's using you for the sex. That's why he keeps asking you to pretend to the the poolboy. " 'I am the star.'" I guess that's stretch but, Okay, Liza....have it your way. " 'Next he will start a singing career on stage and albums."' I'd say gay porn is more likely but tomato/tomata. " Plantiff replied in substance 'With my voice, baby, I don't think you'll have to worry about any competition. I can't sing. Ask James Ingram, Michael Jackson or Luther Vandross, I'm not becoming a singer.'" Jesus, David's quite the name dropper, isn't he?
"On or about the night of March 4, 2003 at the parties' New York apartment the plaintiff was awakened by crashing noises emanating from the defendant's bathroom.The plaintiff discovered the defendant drinking a bottle of vodka." Vodka in the bathroom? That's when you know you have a problem. I only drink beer when I take a dump. The barley helps keep me regular. "The defendant flew into a rage upon seeing the plaintiff enter the bathroom, she started beating him with her hands about the head until he ran into the other room." Hey David, you got lucky. She could've hit you with the vodka bottle. Those caps screw back on too, you know.
And it goes on and on. The part where Liza gets drunk on the way to rehab is particularly funny. But since you can't copy/paste documents from the Smoking gun, I'll leave it at that.
Is it so wrong that the suffering of the rich and semi-famous comforts me so?
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