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Tuesday, October 07, 2003
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YET MORE PRAISE FROM KILGORE
As everyone knows, I love people applauding the psychiatric nightmare that is my life. Unfortunately, Kilgore (as svelte as he is ) is the only one who feeds my mindless narcissim on a regular basis.
I particularly like that Kilgore is on my team in regards to my using the Golden Gate Bridge as the instrument of my final destruction. He writes:
"Hello MJ,
As much as I enjoy your insightful and well-informed posts on world politics, I was delighted to read your post on the Golden Gate Bridge suicide barrier. It's about time someone stood up for painless, government-subsidized, easily accessible suicide options!
As you undoubtedly already know from your tireless and diligent research, there is actually an advocacy group calling themselves the Golden Gate Suicide Barrier Coalition, (official slogan: Helping others, help themself's), many of whose members also, apparently, volunteer for the Bad Spellers Defense League. You really should look at their website, if for no other reason than to gain cheap confidence in your own mastery of the English language.
I oppose this barrier. Trying to lower suicide rates by installing barriers on one bridge would be as futile as trying to lower alcoholism rates by banning Budweiser. Suicides thwarted by this barrier will go to another bridge, where their bodies will likely wash up on shore, or will turn to the razor blade or the gun. The Golden Gate Bridge is not only a stunningly beautiful work of art and an engineering marvel, but it has saved hundreds of grieving families enormous sums of money on cleaning bills, expensive caskets, and mortician fees -- money that could be better spent taking everyone out for a steak dinner after the funeral. Everyone wins!
I have a question, MJ. I've noticed that you often post your "Number of Times I've Masturbated Today" in the middle of the day. How to interpret this? Is this (a) the number of times you masturbated the previous calendar day; (b) the number of times you've masturbated in the last 24 hours; (c) the number of times you've masturbated so far today; or (d) the number of times you expect to masturbate during the current calendar day, taking into account fatigue, availability of new porn, number of pretty girls seen while grocery shopping, wind velocity, and dehydration?
Much love,
Kilgore Trout, Chaotic Not Random"
Kilgore,
As I originally made the point, I obviously couldn't agree more with you're agreeing with me on the issue of suicide barriers. People are self-killer killjoys and, I submit, vicious motherfuckers to boot. Imagine the logic of "survivor guilt"; "Oh, he should've lived forever in the cesspool of his life regardless how savage because....now I feel bad." People should shut the fuck up already. Selfish cocksuckers!
Your point to my masturbation meter is well taken. I should have pointed this out sooner. My jerk-a-thons are measured in a midnight to midnight basis. Accordingly, I often try to post as close to midnight as possible and on most nights, I meet this challenge. However, I find that, from time to time, I either have nothing to write about or am too consumed with despair to even consider writing at all. In such a case, I will go back into my archives and re-edit my last post of that day. Unfortunately, Blogger does not recognize the change in the time of posting and the original time stands. The bold type entry should be considered a definitive count for the day, unless otherwise indicated.
How did I know that my onanistic prowess would become such an important part of my readers' day?
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