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Saturday, November 29, 2003
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IN PRAISE OF PAUL BREMMER
I hope that all of my American readers had a happy turkey day. Well, I know that Judy did because she's been the only one to update her fucking blog lately. As with most things, I have a complicated relationship with Thanksgiving. As a Canadian, there have been years where I've celebrated Thanksgiving twice in a given year (Canada has Thanksgiving 5-6 weeks before the U.S does.)
I think that what made this a very special non-Thanksgiving for me was watching the President of the United States having dinner with troops at the Baghdad airport. Well, it wasn't so much the President as it was Civil Administrator, L. Paul Bremmer. This may have been the most brilliantly executed P.R move I've ever witnessed. Bremmer began the dinner by reading a greeting from the President and stopped and wondered aloud if there was anyone more senior to read the message. The President the emerged from behind a curtain. It was a thrilling thing to see. And one I want to copy.
I'm thinking of hiring Paul Bremmer myself.
Okay, first we'll have to overlook some minor technicalities. These include the fact that I myself am still unemployed and living only through amassing massive credit card debt. We'll also have to overlook the fact that I'm a colossal loser and can never hope to have a job where I could afford to hire Mr. Bremmer.
But the idea is simply fantastic. Being that I'm virtually impossible to live with, Bremmer will be my personal Civil Administrator. This is particularity important given the my current outlook on relationship management. I'm thinking of getting married. I'll need a civil administrator.
Plus there's the sexual aspect. Nothing defines a relationship quite like bedroom etiquette. Accordingly, Ambassador Bremmer will be charged with tying my beloved future wife to the bed, then looking around and asking, "Is there anyone more senior here to go down on you through repeated, spectacular orgasms?" At this point, I emerge from behind a curtain and perform my marital duties.....well.
Bremmer could play several important roles for me. During my weddiing, the Ambassador will stand in for me until the exchange of vows, whereupon he look out to the assembled family and friends and ask, "is there anyone more senior present to marry this beautiful girl?" And then I'll emerge from the curtain.
It could even prove useful in divorce court. I'll stay behind the curtain then, though.
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