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Saturday, November 08, 2003
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MEMO TO JESSICA LYNCH
Dear Jessica,
I have been following with great interest the recent developments in your life of late. Not for anything heroic that you may or may not have done, although the dispute between youself and the Pentagon in this matter is highly amusing. I'm interested in you simply because you're really cute and, given your injuries, would find it difficult to run away. If you look at the picture of myself and the future King of Sweden two posts down you will see why you would feel the need to flee.
I also understand that you may or may not have been anally raped while in Iraqi custody and this may or may not be sad. If in fact your dumper was violated, you can find comfort in two things; A) you don't remember it and B) it wasn't as humiliating as what this gentleman was forced to endure.
As humilating as it may or may not be to be sodomized (or not) by a sweaty, Arab serviceman (who was presumably neither an officer or a gentleman), I would imagine a same-sex sexual assault involving a comb would be more degrading and dare I say, painful. Those teeth have got to hurt.
The Court stated the obvious in pointing out that this assault was "non-traditional." I can't think of anything less traditional. As you know, combs aren't even phallic looking. The perpetrator was obviously disturbed The only reason I bring this to your attention is so that you may appreciate the timliness of your discharge from the United States Army. As we all know the U.S may attack Norway at any time and they, we now know, fight dirty.
I'm sorry to get all Larry King on you Jessica, but will you marry me? I know that you may or may not be engaged already and that really should stop me from proposing but it hasn't yet and probably never will. Okay, I understand your position on bigamy.
How about a mercy fuck?
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