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Thursday, November 06, 2003
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VATICAN SEX TIPS
Like most people, I often find myself confronted with sexual crises. And like most people confronted with a sexual problem I go to a guy without a zipper in his pants. The gentle petting I receive while getting that advice is a bonus too.
So you can imagine my glee when the Catholic Church began giving official sex tips! It appears that the first question was about my favorite hobby....masturbation.
A reader asked whether it was permissible to "beat the bishop" in the abscene of a spouse. Like most guys, the columnist- Father Giordano Muraro -used a car analogy.
Here, reprinted in full is Father Muraro's reponse.
"Driving only in first gear, not only do you prevent the Ferrari expressing its full power, but gradually you wear it out and thereby ruin a masterpiece of technology." Did he just refer to my cock as a masterpiece? Wow, thanks! I knew catechism would pay off!
Muraro went on to state that onanism, while "objectively a serious act, circumstances must be taken into account". Is he telling me to fuck around? I hope so. He never did say if onanism is an objectively more serious act than say....adultery. This guy RAWKS!
In closing, Muraro stated that the decision should be made by the individual to "judge the gravity of his deed, in the context of the couple's path to God." I think that he's saying "if it feels good do it" in Pope-talk.
Wow, the Church got liberal all of a sudden. And all it took was a few hundred million dollars in civil judgments from fondled kids.
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