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Saturday, December 20, 2003
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THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN HAIRSPRAY
Modesto, California must be the capital of missing women who take a really, really long time to found dead. As I'm sure everyone knows, the happy couple of 2002, Scott and Lacy Peterson are from Modesto. But I'm sure most of you have forgotten that the official missing person of 2001, Chandra Levy was also from Modesto. Granted, she went missing from, and her skeletal remains were later found in, Washington, D.C but I've never been one to let the facts get in the way of a cool new theory.
So much has happened since that innocent summer of '01 that I feel a review is necessary. Levy, 24, was an intern at the Bearau of Prisons when she disappeared in June. I was in California at the time and knew immediately that this was going to be a fun story. I can pick a freak show like nobody's business. In the days following her disappearance, it was revealed that Levy recieved her coveted internship through the good offices of her Congressman, Gary Condit (D-California). People grew very suspicious that Condit was, in fact, playing hide the salami with Levy. Condit denied this vigorously, as one does. After all, Condit was one of the very few Democats who voted to authourize the Judicary Committee to launch an Impeachment inquiry in the matter of President Clinton's pecadillos. It would look very bad indeed if it became public knowledge that Condit had his own intern problem.
So, Condit did what any good hypocrite would do...he denied it. And denied it. then he denied it some more. Then some details of Condit's sexual habits were leaked. It appears that young Gary was into bondage and rough sex. It was revealed that when having a young woman visit his apartment he insisted that she carry no identification with her. Actually, I can understand the bondage and rough sex....it's the no I.D thing that I find really kinky.
Months passed and still no Chandra. She wasn't known to have much cash available and her credit card hadn't been used since she went missing. Most reasonable people assumed she was dead. As is often the case, most reasonable people were right, though the body wouldn't be found for over a year. Condit originally coperated with the famously inept D.C police department, submitting to two interviews where he denied any relationship with Levy. Then he stopped talking. To anyone. Well, anyone other than Connie Chung. The Chung interview was so disasterous that most people changed their view that Condit was a scumbag to the view that Condit was a murdering scumbag. A heavy scent of doom soon pervaded everything Condit touched. The story refused to go away. The summer of '01 was a particularly slow news season. All anyone heard about was shark bites and Chandra Levy.
Then came 9/11. Congressmen fucking and possibly murdering interns suddenly became decidedly less important.
Well, not so unimportant that Condit was able to keep his seat in Congress. He lost that in a primary against his former chief of staff in March of 2002. But after 9/11, everyone who wasn't me felt somehow dirty about obsessing over this tawdry little scandal. I was unrepentant because, after all, someone was still very probably dead, the story was funny and I never claimed to be a particularly good person, anyway. But nobody else cared anymore and Gary Condit couldn't have been happier. It wouldn't have been surprising if Condit sent Osama bin Laden a fruitcake for Ramadan.
Since losing his congressional seat, Condit has persued a new career,suing media outlets. He started out suing Dominic Dunne, who happens to be a particularly stupid breed of twat. But now he's suing the tabloids. This goes to show precisely how stupid Condit is. American tabloids get sued a lot and only very rarely lose. This is in part due to the First Ammendment and American case law regarding slander and public figures and in part due to their enourmous savagery.The lawyers for American Media, the respondent in this suit are going to look forward to get Condit in a pre-trail deposition where they can ask anything they want. Ask O.J Simpson how well his civil deposition went for him.
There are going to be all kinds of neat questions about just how many affairs young Gary actually did have, how often he tied them up and choked them, why he insisted they carry no identification with them. It's going to be a lot of fun. And once under oath, Condit will have three and only three options; he can invoke his Fifth Ammendment right against self-incrimination, he can commit perjury or he can spill the beans. Should he tell the trutb, it should take about ten minutes for the answers to appear on the front pages of the Washington Post and Modesto Bee. This will prove to be unhelpful to someone dumb enough to be under the illusion that he can somehow rebuild his political career. But who knows? Maybe the endorsement from Scott Peterson will help more than I think it will. I've been wrong before.
And the funniest part is....I honestly believe that Condit had nothing to do with Levy's murder. He was just so frigging stupid as to make himself look like he did.
In any event, happy days will soon be here again. And I doubt al-Queda will save Condit's bacon (okay, that's a bad analogy given that I'm referring to fundamentalist Muslims, but you get the point) twice.
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