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Saturday, December 20, 2003
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MEMO TO MICHAEL
Dear Mr. King Of Pop,
As you know, I've been very supportive of you in recent weeks. I'm not so much convinced of your innocence as I am physically repulsed by the cravenness of your accusers and the cowardice of the Santa Barbara district Attorney, Tom Sneddon. Even if you are guilty, I'd still like to see you take that smug motherfucker down a notch or two. Plus, I really need a good television freakshow. Scott Peterson is a run of the mill wife murderer, Kobe Bryant's case will take months to get really fun and I can't honestly believe that Gary Condit is dumb enough to actually go through with his lawsuit. Since he's out of office, no one cares what Bill Clinton does with his penis anymore and I'm growing weary of waiting for O.J to do something crazy again. In short, you're all I've got and I know you'd never let me down.
Even in the disappearing act that you pulled upon being booked in California, you haven't failed to entertain. The alignment with the Nation of Islam-possibly the only people crazier than you are-was worth it's weight in comedy gold. The fact that the brain damaged cur, Sneddon who, after setting excessive bail on the grounds of your being a flight risk, is letting you travel to England this weekend is adorable. Everybody knows that an accused child-rapist from California could never, I don't know..... flee to France, eventually win an Oscar and have most of Hollywood say very nice things about you despite your having administered an intoxicating agent to a thirteen year old and taking sexual liberties with him/her. I don't know where anyone would ever get that idea.
Michael, if I may call you Michael, your car accident of a life has provided me years of entertainment and I'd like to reciprocate with some advice. I feel I owe you at least that. Do not, I repeat, DON'T throw a fucking party three days after being charged with multiple counts of child molestation. Trust me, it's a really bad idea. There's something about TV footage of an indicted pedophile smiling and moonwalking that just....looks bad.
In closing, I just want you to know that it takes a lot of balls to defend someone charged with what you're charged with. It would be a lot easier if I were a black celebrity, but we all play the cards we're dealt, don't we Michael? I have a reputation to protect. Granted, that reputation is one of being a defective pervert but my perversion has always involved adult women! You're getting convicted, being acquitted despite being guilty (a la O.J) or fleeing prosecution could seriously jeopardize my ever getting laid again. I'm running a huge risk here. Please don't fuck me....I'm not your type. I'm altogether too old for you.
Sorry, I couldn't resist the last sentence. I can be a real prick sometimes. So sue me.
Anyway, I thank you for your attention and hope you pay heed to my words.
Respectfully,
skippystalin
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