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Wednesday, December 24, 2003
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MORE GROUP HUG GOODNESS
People often come to me for advice. This is because people are often stupid. But just because I'm a dysfunctional scumbag doesn't mean that I'm noy often right. For that reason I will, from time to time scan the confessions at grouphug.us and solve their problems for them. To quote the Artist Formerly Known As the Artist Formerly Known As Prince, "Let me show you show you baby, I'm a talented boy."
"i've been attending aa meetings for a couple months now. i got a sponsor, i even made 90 meetings in 90 days. not so bad,right? the problem is i'm secretly drinking. i'm a total liar, cheat, and thief."
Yes, you are a liar and a cheat. If you're not picking the pockets of the newly dry drunks, you're free and clear of the thief part. Here's how I see it, you don't want to quit drinking. I suggest you go to work at at a liqour store.
"I am 20 years old. I have slept with 21 guys and 3 girls. I have never been tested. I am too afraid that I have something. Five of those people were in a 3 month span, and I never told my boyfriend (whom I did not sleep with) about any of them. During that time I was eating E twice a week. I ended up rolling every weekend for a year and a half. I quit cold turkey and have only taken it twice since then. I have only slept with 3 people in the past two years. But now I started eating shrooms and I cheated on my girlfriend last weekend while on shrooms."
Wow! You ARE a dirty, dirty little slut aren't you? I don't think that I've had 24 sex partners in the last 33 years! And how is it that you fuck 24 people and not your boyfriend? Jesus, you ARE a cunt! And you don't go "cold turkey" on exstacy, you stupid bitch! It's not heroin. it's just something that makes you more amieable to sucking cock so guys will like you. So, do shut up.
"i just had sex wth my dad, and the worst part is im a guy and it isnt the first time."
And? Was he good? We all all have our crosses to bear. You're mine.
"when i was high once i tagged the bathroom of a church while a mass was going on.
i also stole the drugs of a dead man.
"So? Churches should be tagged, especially their bathrooms. Just to relieve the boredom of taking a shit there. As to stealing a dead man's drugs....you think he needs them now?
"I know this guy at school, tom and hes really really addicted to blow up dolls, he plays with them at night and i dont know how to tell him that hes never gonna get a grilfriend if he keepps doing that also he puts pictures of girls from are school on the dolls and one of them was me"
Honey, it's not Tom that has the problem, it's YOU! You want to fix Tom? Offer him a fucking handjob! It's only 5 minutes of your time, ferchristsake!
And I just LOVE how you broads think! If some some football playing rapist doesn't porpose to you the second you graduate from Junior High, you think "that no man will will ever love me." But God FORBID, some lonely prick in homeroom pins your picture to a blowup doll just ONCE...and suddenly HE'S got a problem! Grow the fuck up, honey. Yes, guys want to fuck girls they go to school with. Especially girls as stupid as you.
"two of the guys ive dated have come out post-relationship."
This should tell you that you're a lousy lay. Perhaps so lousy that they'd lie about being gay so they'd never have to fuck you again. Feel better?
"i slept through the godfather. twice. "
Then you're a homo.
"I have sex with guys who I am not attracted to. I get off on their attraction to me. I don't even like most of them."
This could be serious. I'll need to discuss this with you privately. What's your number? Don't worry.......you'll despise me.
"I messed things up with my ex girlfriend. Now she is going 0ut with a geek and 1 am trying to bust th3em up by hanging out with her lots. "
Hey douchebag, you want to fuck with her head? Start dating her best friend.
And who says that that I can't help tomorrows leaders?
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