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Saturday, December 27, 2003
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OKAY, I ADMIT IT...I'M DESPERATE. SO I'LL RESORT TO MORE ADVICE FOR THE KIDS AT GROUPHHUG.US
The weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year's suck for news. Really hard. If it weren't for Saddam Hussien and Michael Jackson, I doubt that I'd be posting at all. Now nothing is going to happen with either one of them for weeks (except for Michael moonwalking of a cliff tomorrow on 60 Minutes.) So where do I turn?
That's right, I get all sensitive and put on my advice columnist hat. The problems are stolen, as always, from grouphug.us. Christ, I love this site. It really dos bring out the worst instincts in me.
"I see myself dying in my sleep and it makes me happy."
I know just how you feel. I see you dying in your sleep....and it makes me happy too.
"I'm having phone sex with a guy that's 23-- and I'm 17."
23 year olds don't know the first fucking thing about phone sex! I recommend you find someone a decade older to have phone sex with. Hmmmmm, if I only I knew a 33 year-old with mad phone sex skillz.....
"i asked the guy im with now not to say anything about us just yet because i was dating his best friend a few years ago. he agreed but for his own reasons, he has a girlfriend(that I had no clue about) of 2 years who is pregnant with his 2nd child (they do not have the same mother*how very jerry springer)""
So...what's the problem? You both kept your mouths shut and got what you wanted. Now fuck like bunnies. I'll bet you'll be a fantastic mother to baby#3.
"I masturbate each night "
Just once? You some kind of a homo? Maybe you have a low sperm count. At that rate you'll never satisfy a woman, Junior.
"Why is cooler to be white then black?"
Ask James Brown, you Nazi fuck!
" think theres something wrong with me. I'm an extremely sociable guy, and I have many friends. I'm altogether a popular guy who has no problem with the ladies. I sometimes think weird thoughts about maiming people I'm talking to or pushing them in front of subway cars, etc. I would never do it, because I'm too scared of the consequences. I try to act like a caring sensitive guy, when really I take pleasure from hurting people somtimes. I get a cheap thrill out of luring girls that seem impossible to get (ex. my friend's girlfriends)and when I do get them, I drop them like a potato sack because theres no thrill. I think I'm secretely gay as well, but I'm not sure at this point. I also look at computer porn way too much and have now lost all interest in physical emotion. I do too much drugs, and I use my looks (on guys and girls) to get what I want (usually free drugs). I want to commit suicide sometimes, but I'm just too much of a pussy."
Don't be so hard on yourself. There isn't something wrong with you, there's lots wrong with you! Why, if you could only put your sentence structure together, you'd be a superstar blogger!
"I lost my virginity to my cousin - a close friend to everyone i know. She bled alot onto the mattress i slept on that night.Her mother was in the same room as us, 2 metres away. I think about it all the time and can't stop thinking about how bad my first time was. "
You lost your virginity in an incestuous bout with a bleeding cousin with your Aunt in the room? And there's a bad side?
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