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Monday, December 01, 2003
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OZZY HAS ALL THE BEST STORIES
John Michael "Ozzy" Osbourne has had the fucking life. He sang "War Pigs", he bit the heads off of assorted mammals, he had both Tony Iommi and Randy Rhodes as his guitarists. When the hit albums stopped coming he became a bigger star on television. Who could beat that that?
Only Ozzy can top Ozzy apparently.
On top of rogering countless groupies as an adult, Ozzy was also sexy as a child. And not only sexy to one person....he was attractive to two! You can imagine my outrage upon learning this. Not only did Ozzy get to go on a thirty year alcohol and cocaine binge, consequence-free (well, if you overlook the tremors, shuffling walk and incomprehensible speech....but those are all so endearing), he also got repeatedly felt up at 11. I'm THREE TIMES THAT OLD and I'm lucky to get groped at all. It sucks!
Oh, and it's now official, I'm the only person left on the planet who wasn't molested as a kid. And I feel so much uglier for it.
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