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Wednesday, January 07, 2004
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"EVERYBODY WANTS TO KNOW WHY I LOVE THE NEWS"
I love the news not just for it's educational value (because quite frankly, if you want to learn new stuff, I can't recommend the news highly enough) but also for the endless opportunities it gives no-life scumbags like me to make bad jokes. Accordingly, the news and I were made for each other.
NEWS FLASH #1: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THAT SMART TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT
Democratic Presidential candidate and registered voter on Neptune, Dennis Kucinich decided that a pie chart would be an effective tool to use during a debate on National Public Radio. Maybe his handlers just used the abbreviation, NPR and didn't tell him what the "R" actually stood for. I will say this though, Dennis Kucinich has the perfect physical appearence for radio, particularly since the Lord Of The Rings triolgy has been completed already.
NEWS FLASH #2: THE CLINTONS NEVER LEARN
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton this weekend described Mohandas Gandhi as having "run a gas station in St. Louis." Indians were, of course, outraged. Hillary should've replied by saying, "Hey, how should I know that there's lots of immigrant voters in New York? After all, I only just moved here." Instead, the former First Lady apologized saying that the remark was a "lame attempt at humor." Both Clinton's should know by now that they're only ever truly funny when they're under oath.
NEWS FLASH #3: JUSTICE ISN'T ONLY BLIND, IT'S A LITTLE SOFT HEADED TOO
I'm not sure my comments on this study could possibly be as funny as the story itself. Just click the link for once.
NEWS FLASH #4: NOT ALL DOCTORS HAVE A GREAT BEDSIDE MANNER
The late George Harrison was a famous recluse, the least likely of all the Beatles to stop and sign autographs. But you're a really big fan and you want something signed for your kid. How do you get this done. Treat him while he's dying of inoperable brain cancer and force him to sign a guitar, despite his protests.
NEWS FLASH #5: YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO MAKE A LIVING
In some cultures, a store keeper will leave a small child in charge of the business while he attends to other things. And frequently, the kid is harder to deal with. So why shouldn't an 11 year old deal heroin?
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