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Sunday, January 25, 2004
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FROM THE DESK OF FORD W. MAVERICK, SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
"My fellow Americans.
These have been trying times for the United States and indeed, the world. The threat of terror hangs heavily over our day to day activities. I, as your Secretary of Homeland Security, have been dilligent in my efforts on behalf of your government to protect the homeland. You may be aware of this chart, instituted 2 years ago as a means of alerting the public as to the actual threat level we all live under.
Recent developments on our northern border have revealed a new and ominous threat, one our nation has never faced before. This threat is embodied in the libido of one Canadian, skippystalin. Much has been made of the threat of the "dirty bomb." skippystalin is, however, a walking "sticky bomb" with ready access to the major population centers of the United States. It is in recognition of this threat that in December, the Department of Homeland Security has instituted this threat level chart.
It has recently come to the government's attention that skippystalin has not had sexual relief in some 18 months now. The external sexual stimuli on stalin is feared to be at the breaking point. Given that stalin is within 100 miles of our northern border and his incapability of getting laid in his own homeland, his penis is poised like a dagger into the midwest. It is for this reason that I have ordered, effective immediately, that the threat level be raised above the current "code red." This is the new threat condition
I cannot stress strongly enough the threat to the American public. Therefore, I have ordered the National Guard to evacuate all major population centers between New York City, Miami and Chicago. This is in the interest of our National Security. Flee in an orderly manner. Resisters shall be shot.
Thank you and may God continue to bless America."
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