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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
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A SMALL VICTORY
I love every pundit on the frigging planet suddenly thowing praise at the feet of Senator John F. Kerry. It wasn't three weeks ago that the conventional wisdom was that Kerry would place 23rd in both Iowa and New Hamspshire, right behind Kenny, the child molestor and Eddie, the Trekkie who lives in his aunt's crawlspace. His campaign was so financially bereft that he had to forego federal matching money just so he could mortage his own home and lend himself the proceeds. Everything about Team Kerry smelled of death and humilliation.
That changed in Iowa.
Kerry, like the current president isn't winning due to his own efforts. He's winning because his opponents are imploding all on their own. In short, Kerry is more lucky than smart. For a very, very long time now, I've used this space to declare that Howard Dean would rise triumphant over the prostrate bodies of the other 963 contenders for the nomination. And for a long time this made perfect sense. Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McCaullife, in his innate craveness, decided early on to frontload the primaries this year in such a way that it would take about 15 seconds to pick a nominee. Then the party would have 8 months and a zillion dollars to clearly compete with the Republicans. Given the staggering lead Dean maintained through Christmas (he was 30 points ahead of Kerry as of January 1), there was no way he could lose. This was my thinking.
I underestimated Governor Dean's determination to lose.
I've been a student of big time, nut-cutting politics for 20 years now and I've never, never seen someone blow a 30 point lead. People like me still marvel at the way that Michael Dukakis dropped 24 points over four months in 1988. That was unprecedented. Howard Dean managed to blow 44 points in three weeks. Shit, Micheal Jackson hasn't seen his numbers fall apart like that and no one has accused Dean of improperly touching a drunken 13 year-old cancer patient....yet. So, as much as he would like you to believe otherwise, John Kerry isn't winning as much as Howard Dean is losing. Actually, to say Howard Dean is losing is a massive understatement. Howard Dean has done everything short of going on television dressed as a Vietnamese, buddhist monk and set him himself on fire as his blog buddies cheered his "passion" and "commitment".
So here's Kerry's "victory" speech. It's pretty funny when you actually read the words and not get distracted by the Senator's charismatic delivery, which makes Al Gore look like James Brown.
I love New Hampshire. I love Iowa too. And I hope to have the opportunity to love a lot of other states in the weeks and months ahead.
Yeah, Massachussettes liberals are beloved in places like South Carolina. Have fun there, Johnny. You've won in two of the whitest white places on Earth that aren't Norway and Sweden. Now you get to run against Al Sharpton in a state with a 50% black population which also happens to be next door to where Goober Edwards' took his sister to the prom. Enjoy.
Thank you, New Hampshire, for lifting up this campaign and the cause of an America that belongs not to the privileged, not to the few, but to all of our people.
Well, all people who aren't Howard Dean, Karl Rove or George Bush.
And this victory belongs to all of you who made the phone calls, walked the cold and snowy cold streets, gave your hearts, your hands and countless sleepless nights. You stayed the course here in New Hampshire. And because of you, this has been a successful - and a happy campaign
You gave me everything you had except your money, you motherfuckers! So help me Christ, if I win and STILL lose my house, you're all going to Gitmo!
Actually, it was a successful and happy campaign because your main competitor was about three days away from wearing a tinfoil hat because the C.I.A was "listening to his brain."
And I make you this pledge tonight: I have spent my whole life fighting against powerful interests - and I've only just begun to fight.
Actually, you have a long history of fighting against REPUBLICAN interests, not powerful ones. I'm sure your Senate voting record will show a real "profile in courage" (the JFK initials work both ways, Johnny) in standing up to the teachers unions, trial lawyers and some of the more insane environmentalists.
I have a message for the influence peddlers, for the polluters, the HMOs, the drug companies, big oil and all the special interests who now call the White House home:
We're coming. You're going. And don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Yeah, HMOs, drug companies and big oil, make way for the trial layers, teachers and unions!
This victory also belongs in a special way to the veterans who marched with us and lifted us up from the lowest points to where we stand tonight.
In the hardest moments of the past month, I depended on the same band of brothers I depended on more than thirty years ago. We're a little older, a little grayer, but we still know how to fight for our country. And if I am President, I pledge that those who wore the uniform of the United States of America will have a voice and a champion in the Oval Office.
Wait a second! Aren't you running against a General, too? I mean sure, he's an idiot and everything but he's gotta have SOME claim on those who "wore the uniform of the United States of America."
Now this campaign goes on to places all over this country.
Which will be funny to watch.
And I ask Democrats everywhere to join us so we can defeat George W. Bush, end the economy of privilege, and fulfill the ideal of opportunity not just for some, but for all.
This is a cute way of saying "do we have to continue having the meaningless primaries? I mean pretty soon we're going to places where I have no hope of winning. While we're at it, can't we just pretend that I'm president now?"
I ask you to go to johnkerry.com; enlist with us, march with us across this land, and demand a government that's on your side again.
This is a modern, dot com way of saying "give me money. I'm running out of houses to mortage."
And together, let us lift our country up to the America it can become.
What's that? Boston? A place that only picks a winning presidential candidate by accident?
Stand with us - and together we will give America back its future by repealing the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy so we can invest in health care and the education of our children.
Running a class warfare, populist campaign is always smart. Ask Al Gore. He has lots of time to tell you about it, not being president and all.
Stand with us - and together we will build a prosperity where instead of Americans just working for the economy, the economy is working for Americans. A prosperity where we will reduce the poverty of millions instead of constantly reducing taxes for millionaires. A prosperity where we create jobs here at home - and where we shut down every tax loophole, every benefit and every reward for any Benedict Arnold CEO or company that sends jobs and profits overseas.
Wasn't Benedict Arnold from New England? And didn't most off those companies go offshore when a certain someone from "a place called Hope"was president?
Stand with us - and together we will give America the fundamental decency of health care as a right and not a privilege.
An America where Medicare is protected, health care costs are held down and your family's health is just as important as any politician's in Washington.
Stand with us - and every day will be Christmas!
Stand with us - and we will give America the security of energy independence, because our sons and daughters should never have to fight and die for Mideast oil.
Because if I'm not in the Senate, I can't vote to send them to those wars in the first place!
Stand with us - and we will give America back its truth as a country where freedom rings, a country of equal rights and civil liberties where the Attorney General is no longer named John Ashcroft.
She'll be named Maxine Waters! Feel better?
George Bush, who promised to be a uniter, has become the great divider. We believe in a country where everyone can hope and strive and move ahead - no matter where you come from, who you are or what the color of your skin.
We believe in a country where veryone is a Democrat. Voting against me is so divisive.
And if you stand with us, we will make America safer by rejoining the community of nations and restoring our true role of leadership in the world.
Belgium, America's coming home!
George Bush has run the most arrogant, inept, reckless and ideological foreign policy in the modern history of our country.
Yeah, and he'll STILL beat you like a fucking drum on the issue.
Now George Bush and Karl Rove say that in 2004 they want to run on national security.
Because they have this weird view on winning. They seem to like it.
Well, I know something about aircraft carriers for real. And if George W. Bush wants to make national security the central issue in this campaign, I have three words for him I know he understands: Bring it on.
Don't you worry, John Boy. They will. You have a very interesting voting record in the Senate on that very issue. I'm sure we'll be hearing all about it very soon.
As I stand here now, I think of Robert Frost's words: The woods of New Hampshire are "lovely, dark and deep." And they certainly are lovely tonight. And while we still have "miles to go," I want to thank just some of you who shared our journey in this Granite State.
Since the Republicans are likely to carry the state in November, I won't be back so I may as well do it now.
My amazing wife Teresa Who by the way used to be married to a Republican senator and is a registered voter on Pluto. What the fuck is that shawl thing? Vanessa and Alex, Chris and Andre, my brother Cam, my sisters Diana and Peggy. My national chair and my New Hampshire chair - who didn't sit down for a moment - Jeannie and Billy Shaheen.
All of whom were the only 10 people who thought I had a snowballs chance in Hell before Dean had his emotional breakdown last Monday. And only two of them are registered to vote in New Hampshire.
Some of the best and most talented leadership any campaign in New Hampshire or anywhere has ever had, Ken Robinson, Judy Reardon, Sue Casey, Nick Clemons, and Theo Yedinsky and all our great staff and dedicated volunteers - here and around the country. You kept on going, you never gave up. It's an honor for me to be on your side. Thank you.
You're the best of the 19 campaign staffs that I've had in the last 14 months. I'll remember you all fondly after I fire you in three weeks.
Mayor Bob Baines and our New Hampshire leaders and the firefighters who served all that chili and so many others in New Hampshire too numerous to name.
Clever not mentioning that you had the firefighters union on your team.
My colleagues from Congress and so many others who came to help. My friends Ted Kennedy and Fritz Hollings from South Carolina. Fritz, we'll see you soon.
And Ted, I'll be hiding you in a closet for the rest of the year. People outside of New England still have a problem about that little misunderstanding between your car, Mary Jo Kopechne and that bridge. But thanks, you're a mench.
And most of all, thank you to the people of New Hampshire who voted today for a new day of hope in America.
No one can unite a country quite like the most unrepresentative state in the union.
Thank you and God bless you.
Gotta run. I need another botox injection before the Michigan primary! Bye!
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