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Friday, January 30, 2004
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TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM
You've gotta have a certain amount of sympathy for Kazuhito Tadano , a baseball play for the Cleveland Indians farm team. Seriously, baseball as about as gay as team sports can get - and all team sports are gay to a certain extent, Maybe not as gay as football with it's ever present dancing and ass-patting, but still pretty gay.
So one baseball player is discovered to have a made gay porno and the jocks get their panties in a knot. What the fuck is that about?
And Tadano even had a reasonable excuse.
"I did participate in a video and I regret it very much," he said. "It was a one-time incident that showed bad judgment and will never be repeated. I was young, playing baseball, and going to college and my teammates and I needed money.
In short, he took one for the team. Okay, he's a little coy about where he took one, but, to quote Tenacious D, "THAT'S fucking teamwork!" I'm all about going that extra mile. I think all of my personal friends and even employers will testify to that, but I think that I'd draw the line at getting fucked in the ass. Well, unless I'm REALLY drunk and DEEPLY in love. There, a couple of you broads can now keep your comments to yourselves....
"All of us have made mistakes in our lives," Tadano said, reading a statement in English. "Hopefully, you learn from them and move on."
I agree whole-heartedly. Although I would question precisely what you learn from making gay porn, other than the need to be gentle during anal with your girlfriend. I've never actually seen gay porn, but I can't imagine that there's a quiz at the end. On the other hand, there might be one of those NBC "Now You Know" trailer-type things at the end. It's hard to say.
Through an interpreter, Tadano added: "I'm not gay. I'd like to clear that fact up right now."
One could resonably assume that that would depend on whether he was "pitching or catching", now wouldn't it? Christ, I'm punny. I wonder if a guy who's been videotaped performing homosexual acts vigourously defending their love of broads is as funny in Japanese as it is in English.
Twice in the minor leagues last season, Tadano stood before his teammates and confessed to his participation in the video, which Nero said can only be obtained on the black market in Japan.
Twice? I should think that once would suffice. Maybe the switch hitters couldn't get it through his head that he really IS straight.
Tadano received overwhelming support from players at Kinston, N.C., where he started the season, and later at Akron, the Indians' Double-A affiliate.
I'd be supportive, too. Especially since about half of Major League Baseball is under indictment for drug violations at any given time. It's my understanding that sodomy is rather popular in prison. I'd want to buddy up to a guy who's "been there" myself if I was inevitably facing that fate.
If he pitches well during spring training, Tadano could win a spot in Cleveland's bullpen. Whenever he joins the Indians, pitcher C.C. Sabathia says Tadano will be welcomed.
"This is the right team and the right organization for him," Sabathia said. "We have good guys here. Everybody has done something that they regret in their lives. He's a person just like everyone else."
Under these circumstances, I'd be concerned about what the phrase, "We have good guys here" means.
Tadano tried out for several major league teams last spring in Arizona. Coming off an elbow injury, he didn't get any offers. Nero said some teams were turned off by what he called "the scandal."
"He didn't pitch well enough for them to ignore it," Nero said. "I also think they were afraid of the baggage that would come with it."
Not the Indians. They liked Tadano enough to invite him to work out at their spring training facility in Winter Haven, Fla. Eventually, they signed him to a minor league contract that included a $67,500 bonus.
Nothing says, "You have a real purty mouth" quite like five figures. Several happy marriages are built on that.
Tadano knows he may face fan abuse in major league parks such as Yankee Stadium, where heckling the visitors is part of the pageantry.
He joked that he's ready for it.
"I don't understand English, so it doesn't really matter," he said.
Who knows, maybe, "Homo" screamed really loud means "great fucking throw you maiden pillaging beast!" in Japanese.
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