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Saturday, January 10, 2004
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"THAT'S WHY I LOVE MANKIND"
You know, sitting around the house all day masturbating and blogging can get just a tad tedious. Sometimes I even feel like a failure of almost biblical proportions. But then I read the news and find out that there people who apparently have even more time on their hands than I do. I ask myself why they don't fill said time with masturbation and blogging and come to the conclusion that they're probably impotent and illiterate. This makes me feel better about myself. At least I fill the endless hours amusing myself, my penis and (at times, though not lately) my readers. But then I read on and find that these layabouts, while lacking in libido and literacy, have a creativity that dwarfs my own. And then the sadness returns and my world is engulfed in darkness yet again.
I understand that living in Troy, Michigan must be as close to purgatory as you can get without venturing into Indiana or Ohio. I imagine the experience to be one of alternating terror of meth-crazed, unemployed auto workers and monotony. However does one find the silver lining in that, the darkest of clouds? By fucking with Burger King, that's how. Every time I question the compatency of the educational system- particularly in the United States, a good number of whose citizens appear to aware of just how many states there are (does Iraq count now?)- I hear a story like this one. A couple of guys with no loftier ambitions than terrorizing the aspiring obese have discovered the frequency of a drive through speakerbox and figured out how to remotely over-ride it. Hilarity and misdeamors ensue.
Imagine you and the girlfriend decide to spend the holidays in Los Angeles. Sounds nice, right? But whoever will watch the apartment while you're away? These days you can never be too careful. If you leave your domicile unattended, you may come home to find each and every one of your possessions wrapped lovingly in aluminum foil. If you're anything like me, you know that such an eventuality must be guarded against at all costs. Again, if you're anything like me, you'll do the reasonable thing and get a well known prankster from Vegas to housesit. After all, what could happen?
Both of these stories depress me more than words can ever say. Here I am, thinking I'm so smart and witty and I didn't have either of these ideas first.
I must be a loser.
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