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Thursday, February 12, 2004
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 AMERICA AND ME
Earlier today, I wrote a little missive about this bruhaha involving the Ashcroft Jihadists and the Justice League of Abortion or whatever the fuck they call themselves. A couple of hours later, I recieved some really nice words from "the Prince of Dorkness" (Christ, I love that name. I wish I could've thought of something that funny during my August - October mental breakdown when I abandoned this name), which started thusly;
"Once again, Herr Skippy, you're right. It's nice to hear someone else calling this partisan crap for the bullshit it is. That part about substituting guns for abortion... "
As most of you know, I'm not American. But I comment on American politics constantly, often in less than flattering terms. Don't get me wrong, I've often visited America and had a lifelong love affair with it. I hope to live there someday. C'mon, in what other country can you have someone sell you cock pills on the Internet. And then come back with anti-depressants you'll need when you have a hard-on and no one to share it with. Okay, I'm sharing too much again......
One of the very, very few advantages of being Canadian is the insight into America that it can give you if you want to learn about it. Canada really has no culture of it's own. We're a nation of 14 people spread across the second largest land mass on the planet. The only unifying symbol of Canadian identity is that we're not American. As a matter of fact, most of us are rabidly anti-American. We're just more polite about it than say, the Taliban. Or France. As much as Canadians truly loathe Americans, we're fascinated with their culture. It's the most dominant one on Earth and it's right next door.
It's noteworthy that 90% of Canada's population lives within 100 miles of the American border. We share a common language....sort of. Okay, well excepting the spellings of words like, "color", "honor", "labor" and, God help us all, "catsup," we share a common language. This makes Canada distinct from Mexico, which also shares a common border with the U.S - albeit with more "visitors" but fewer Hollywood stars.
While we don't like Americans much, unlike the rest of the world, we understand them. Most Canadians are more conversant in American history than they are their own. American political structures are easier to understand than our own. When I was in retard school in 1986, a teacher asked my class of 17 students who the president of the United States was. Probably 15 answered Ronald Reagan. When asked who the Prime Minister of Canada was, I was the only one who got it right. Granted, this was retard school, but it's a telling story nonetheless.
Canadians could learn as much about their own country as they do about their neighbours, the resources ARE there. But Canadian history and politics just isn't as interesting as the American equivilents. Look at westward expansion as just one example. As the Americans moved westward, they saw land they liked, shot it's inhabitants and settled there. As a consolation prize, they gave said lands Indian names. There were Cowboys and wars with Mexico - really cool stuff. America is nation settled and founded by rugged individualists who saw government more as an intrusion than a helping hand.
Canada, on the other hand, was settled by corporations, a department store specifically. No, really, it was called the Hudson's Bay Company. Now it's just known as the Bay, or HBC, if you're especially chi-chi. Said corporation moved westward, found land they liked and conned it's natives into signing meaningless treaties, whereupon we shipped them to live in the Arctic Circle until they got drunk and killed themselves. Then we also gave the lands Indian names Oh, and our longest serving Prime Minister held seances to his dead mother and talked to his dog. Those, in a nutshell, are the most interesting points in Canadian history.
America is a nation of the most confounding contradictions. At one time, Americans are among the most religious people on Earth but then then they turn around and lionize a naked homosexual on a desert island who won a million dollars by virtue of being a manipulative motherfucker. A nation where 40% of the population believes in the physical existence of Hell watched Janet Jackson's nipple with their kids, over and over and over again. Canadians, while we look and sound American, are actually much more British in our attitudes. We're much more reserved. We're therefore compelled by the sheer exhibitionism of American society. And as much as we pretend to be morally and intellectually superior, I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that Jerry Springer has a higher audience share in Canada than even in the United States.
I don't pretend to be repulsed by American society, I love every bit of it. America is, as a famous Canadian; Leonard Cohen sang, "the home of the best and of the worst." My attitudes towards, and my fascination with, the United States hasn't made me a lot of friends in "my home and native land." Which is amusing when you think about it, given Canadian pride in pluralism.
Jesus, I actually forgot the point of this post....Oh, I wanted to write about why I love American politics so much. I will, too but I've written more today than you friggin' people deserve.
God bless America and goodnight.Labels: Fun With Politics
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