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Thursday, February 05, 2004
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"FIRST, WE KILL ALL THE LAWYERS"
-William Shakespeare
"If I could stick a knife in my heart
Suicide right on stage
Would it be enough for your teenage lust
Would it help to ease the pain? Ease your brain?"
-It's Only Rock n' Roll (But I Like It)
The Rolling Stones
I guess it was just a matter of time. The first Janet-Milkbag-Outrage lawsuit has been filed. The particularly precious part is that the suit is filed as a class action on behalf of "all American citizens who watched the outrageous conduct which occurred during the Super Bowl half time show." As a Canadian, I'm outraged that Timberlake didn't undo Janet's pants and shave her crotch on stage (Special Note: Credit for the cooch shaving goes to bunsen (dot)tv. Sorry Bunsen, it was to good an analogy to not use myself). Does that mean I can't play, too?
The suit includes as defendants Viacom, MTV, CBS, Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake. I guess suing the NFL, who actually paid for the debacle would be un-American. It's also cute insofar as Viacom owns CBS and MTV.
My favorite part of the filing so far, "Defendants also knew that the Super Bowl has been a uniquely American culural event broadcast world wide, such that it has been and was to be an American celebration of our nation's many blessings, many gifts and many talents, and competitive spirit that has been and was to be broadcast worldwide."
Hang on. Isn't it the NFL that has had not one but THREE of it's current or former players on trial for murder or manslaughter over the last decade? Isn't that "uniquely American", too? Say what you will about those Eurohomo soccer boys and their marriages of convienece to various Spice Girls, but they don't seem to kill people. I would posit that anyone who looks to the NFL as a paragon of virtue is a moron.
Here's a good one, too. "As a direct and proximate result of the broadcast of the acts, plaintiffs and millions of other similarly situated, saw the acts and were caused to suffer outrage, anger, embarrassment and serious injury." Serious injury? Like what, a groin pull? A collective worldwide groin pull?
It gets better, "Moreover, because defendants knew that the Super Bowl and the Super Bowl half-time show would have a world wide audience and knew that for much of the world, these events would reflect the standards and reputation of Americans abroad, plaintiffs and members of the plaintiff class have been defamed by the defendants and have suffered injuries and damages to their reputations as Americans."
I will concede that Americans "have suffered injuries and damages to their reputations" over the last several years but, as a foreigner, I can assure you that it's not due to Miss Jackson's tits. Well, Osama bin Laden might take exception to those. The damage according to the Eurofags is due to the unilateralist policy of bombing the very brown people hey spend so much time and money arming. Personally, I just take exception to them being moralistic, litigious monkey-fucks. But I'm just one man.
As funny as this has been so far, let's get to the good part. The money. Show me the money!
"D. Awarding an amount of compensatory damages to plaintiff and the plaintiff class in the amount that the trier of fact deems just, not to exceed the gross receipts generated by each defendant during the Super bowl and the Super Bowl half-time show;
E. Awarding plaintiff and the plaintiff class punitive damages against each defendant in the amount the trier of fact deems just, not to exceed the total of the gross annual revenues of each defendant for the last three (3) years prior to the filing of this action...."
God Bless America. Every litigant a king.
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