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Monday, February 09, 2004
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TIT FOR TAT
There are two things I love more than anything else in the whole wide world. Boobies and media freakshows. These are the only two things that sustained me during a depressing period of my life, the 90's. And you know what? As much as you people piss and moan about how you were bored with O.J and Bill Clinton's penis, you love the freakshow just as much as I do. The ratings don't lie. Maybe I love freakshows a little more than you do, maybe even more than is healthy, but I'm far from alone.
So, when you combine some beautiful knockers and a media freakshow, you have a Perfect Storm. Muti-zillionaire, TV executive fuckwads are being frogmarched before Congress. Media moguls and politicians alike are consumed with an unyielding fear. They suspect the gig is up. Retards are filing idiot lawsuits and Michael Powell suddenly seems relevant for something other than being more pro-big business than the Republican Congress. Oh, yeah, the only reason most people even know that Powell is the chairman of the FCC is a regulation that he struck down that would allow major media conglomerates to officially own everything everywhere. This was so politically dangerous and rabidly stupid that the Senate Republicans voted a law to re-instate the previous regulation. And this is not an administration that has been challenged a lot by the Republican party, even though the president is spending money like Mao Zedong on an ether binge, something Republicans have tradionally been against.
There is a climate of pants-wetting fear in Washington, Los Angeles and New York that is so adorable to watch. All of society's most loathsome and powerful people are living in mortal terror that the villagers might just rise up. All this was brought about by the right knocker of Janet Jackson. That tit has super powers! That one nipple has thrown the titans of both media and government into a monumental tizzy. Never before has one manmary weilded so much power over so many.
Chairman Powell has decided to launch his own media campaign to make the case that he isn't ridiculous. Of course, he is ridiculous, or rather the whole issue is laughable. Except I'm the only one laughing. This whole shitstorm is so transparently political that I'm boggled that more people haven't noticed. I don't really expect Justin Timberlake to understand the forces that are pummeling him because, well, Justin Timberlake is an idiot. A nice boy, a talented kid but a borderline moron. CBS pressuring him to aologize probably wasn't that difficult. Although I'm still waiting for CBS to apologize to me for allowing Ray Romano and Don Imus to have careers. Don't get me wrong, Jackson tits on TV will always be a big deal, but by the news coverage you'd think Timberlake sodomized and murdered Janet on that stage and then splashed around in her blood as he dedicated his life to Satan. It was JUST A TIT! Let's try to keep that in mind, okay?
But this is an election year. And the one constant in election years is that dumb shit takes on monsterous importance. American society is rife with big, scary problems. Big, scary problems are famously difficult to solve. And voters don't have patience for serious discussions and adult resolutions to these problems. Voters are pretty easy to figure out, they like their solutions simple and they like them stupid. Preferably with a catchy slogan like, "Three Strikes and You're Out." politicians are painfully aware of the vapidity of the electorate so, they feed it. "Hey folks, you noticed how your local high school is turning into a more violent Vietnam? Sure you have! So, here's how I'm going to fix it: school uniforms." And it works, too! People fall for it. Look at a phrase like, "restoring honor and dignity to the Oval Office." In English this means, "no blowjobs on the job for me." I'm not sure how many of you noticed, but blowjobs were not the overwhelming meance to American democracy that they were made out to be in 2000. But the catchphrase was simple and stupid and people bought it. Nothing works like success.
So lie all you want about how bored you are with the sad spectacle. Let yourself feel good. But it's not going away. The election is still ten months away and I'll bet you a hundred bucks that Janet's tits will come up at LEAST once during the presidential debates.
And this is why I love mankind.
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