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Monday, March 29, 2004
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ANOTHER REASON I NEED A STYLIN' RAP NAME
While I'm a little old and entirely too white to fully embrace the gansta lifestyle, I can no longer overlook the benefits it provides. I've decided I want some. I want big, giant hats and fur coats. I want a wristwatch that weighs more than I do and is worth more than a mid-sized Caribbean country. I long for my first gunfight with a rapper from a rival label. I'll even settle for Suge Knight robbing me blind, after all, nothing good in life comes free.
Mostly, I want the big love I have for the bitches to be reciprocated.
I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, I want to be motherfucking P-I-M-P.
And for that to happen, I need a stylin' new rap name.
Case in point, the sad, savage tale of Alfonso "Slinkey" Blake. Shit, this guy's real name outclasses my own by a mile. Throw in the "Slinkey" and you've got a born playa'. I'm jealous of the name alone.
Slinkey was a man with a dream. Not one of those nickel and dime, Martin Luther King dreams of peace and racial harmony. No, Slinkey was a big thinker. Slinkey wanted to be a rap star. Apparently, become a rap star is more expensive than I would've thought. Slinkey was so consumed with his dream that he could distract his attention from it with such trivialities as a job.
So, Slinkey did what any man in his position would do. He exploited his surroundings to meet his ends. Slinkey must've read a lot of Sun-Tzu. Slinkey's surroundings included strippers. Lots and lots of strippers. Okay, not "lots and lots", it was three. A good start though, and I should note that its three more than I can get. Slinkey's three strippers were giving him their combined income of over Forty Thousand Dollars a MONTH!
Do you have any idea how many lap dances that is? Jesus, I haven't even gotten a free lap dance since I was seventeen years old. I can't conceive of getting ALL the lap dance money from THREE strippers. Verily, Slinkey is a poontang Machiavelli.
But Slinkey got greedy. As a guy with three strippers giving him all of their money might come to expect, he needed three more. He found them too. The problem was they were decidedly less than enthusiastic about cooperating. Slinkey responded badly to the disappointment. Slinkey walked them out into the Nevada desert and shot them, killing two.
Slinkey was tried and was today convicted of first-degree murder. Everyone expects Slinkey will be sentenced to death.
Part of me is saddened to see a young man's dream turn to ashes. Another part of me is thrilled that I'm not the only one its happened to.
That doesn't make me a shallow person, does it?
Currently Reading: "POTUS Speaks: Finding the Words That Defined the Clinton Presidency" by Michael Waldman
Number of Days Since I've Had Sex: 603
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