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Wednesday, March 31, 2004
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BETTER LIVING THROUGH SUCKING
Has-been comedian and Tonight Show host, Jay Leno has had his contract with NBC extended through 2009. I've had a bug up my ass about Leno for over a decade now. Firstly, he sucks. He didn't always suck though. While Leno was never my favorite type of comedian, he was mechanically skilled. Then he took over as permanent guest host on the Tonight Show under Johnny Carson (who was never afraid of pushing the envelope, being a prick was a great assest to Carson) and became a careerist. Leno wanted to be all things to all people. As might be expected, this made him bland and unfunny on every level.
Leno's new contract will reportedly pay him between 25 and 27 million dollars a year. Yikes. I'm pretty sure that I could suck too. I'd have to work really hard at being as boring as Jay, but for that kind of coin, I'm pretty sure I could do it. The best part of this story is that, despite being number 1 in his time slot, Leno is still making less money than the still funny David Letterman.
Leno has more viewers but makes less money. He would be perfect for Al Gore's new network!
If Leno is serious about providing comedy bang for his buck, he should try something like this.
Speaking of things that suck, imagine this scenario; you have a hobby that involves the child sexual victimization of......yourself. Imagine then that the police find out about this and decide to press charges. That's got to suck! Well, it's true. A 15 year old girl in Latrobe, Pennsylvania enjoyed e-mailing naked pictures of herself to people she met in chat rooms. Police have charged her with possession and distribution of child pornography. She will be brought to trial for victimizing herself! Christ, it's stories like this that make me wish that juvenile Court hearings were on Court TV. The victim impact statement will rule!
"Yes what I did to myself was immoral, degrading and wrong. Even though I was asking for it, I should've known that I was not of an age to consent to the fufillment of my own baser carnal desires. I ignored my own dignity and exploited my own innocence and naivete. I only ask that the court that I, the offender, be punished to the fullest extent of the law while allowing the victim, also me, to get on with my life with as little disruption to my life as possible."
Barbara Streisand continues to be a sucktabulous moron. As it's apparently do something that she gets paid for, like singing or making annoying movies (Okay, that's not entirely true, Nuts was a decent movie), We can watch Barbara in all her narcissim shine in her new capacity as a national security pundit.
This week, Mrs. Pensacola, Wings of Gold takes umbrage at the current president's having done nothing to prevent al-Qaeda attacks in the eight months. Streisand does not mind his predecessor not having done anything for eight years, distracted as he was by school uniforms, illegal fundraising and blowjobs.
In fairness, I should point out that Barbara now seems aware that the United States went to war with Iraq last year, and not Iran, as she had earlier written a diatribe about.
Now we move on to presidential candidates that suck. John Kerry is finding it difficult to complete a comprehensible English sentence. Perhaps this has something to do with the Senator's previously undisclosed "fascination" with hip-hop culture. As he's already identified himself as being Irish, French and Jewish combined with his stated desire to be "America's next Black president", this seems to be in character for him. Bill Clinton promised a cabinet that "looks like America" and John Kerry wants to be a president that looks that way. All in one guy.
Pretty impressive. Too bad he's going to get his ass kicked.
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