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Thursday, March 18, 2004
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IN PRAISE OF COURTNEY LOVE
Want to hear a secret? A really deep, dark secret that you never in a million years would've guessed on your own? Are you sure? Do you want the truth? Can you handle the truth? Well, can you, punk? Are you sure?
I'm not very good at romantic relationships.
There, I said it. It feels good to finally get that off of my chest. It's been said that the truth will set you free, and I feel all liberated now. All of a sudden I can relate to Iraq. That's actually a pretty good analogy. For decades, my Sunni mind has oppressed my Shia heart and my Kurdish libido. Now the Americans have invaded and pulled down the fear inspiring statues from the town square and everybody can break out the popcorn and watch the resulting anarchy on television.
I should qualify my remark about my relationship aptitude. I'm good at faking it, particularly at a distance. My relationships with women within easy traveling distance are much like Kipling described life; ugly, brutish and short. The reasons for this aren't particularly hard to understand really. They can actually be narrowed down to one sentence, I hate myself more than I love anyone else. That's not a recent truth, it's been a fact of life for as long as I can remember. I don't even hide that fact. Of all the faults various women have pointed out in me - and again, they are many for they are legion - dishonesty has never been one of them. If anything, its usually been the truth that's bitten me on the ass as opposed to any lies.
The problem lies in the type of women I've found myself attracted to. I've always fallen for the tiny, shy, vulnerable type who wears her heart on her sleeve. I have no idea why, because those personality traits are as far from my own as humanly imaginable. Upon reflection, I've come to realize that that's where the seeds of destruction were sown. Combining my personality with the personality type I've been attracted to is a recipe for disaster. So I'm turning over a new leaf. From now on, I'm looking for a new type of woman.
I think things would work out better if I was with someone who is more creative than I am, more outgoing and completely unimpressed with me intellectually. I need someone with even more profound mental illnesses than my own. Someone who won't put up with my psychotic bullshit for one second because her's is so much more pronounced than my own.
Basically, I want to marry Courtney Love.
I think I need a partner who has trouble showing up to court on time. I want a woman who has trouble keeping custody of her kids (because with parents like Courtney and I, the state should step in. I need a wife who has already lost one husband to suicide and therefore can deal with losing another and not hold it against me....I mean him! I want a woman with access to better quality drugs than me.
I need a bride who isn't afraid to show David Letterman and his national television audience her tits. Given my discomfort with large crowds, I want a woman who will distract attention from me by hitting strangers with mic stands. I've never had a girlfriend that considerate of my needs before. I need a woman who will give interviews telling the world that I eat pussy better than Trent Reznor and Edward Norton combined (hey, I have an ego too.)
In short, I think that only in a relationship with someone more batshit bonkers than I am will I ever be truly happy.
Besides, I'm pretty sure the sex would be fantastic!
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