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Tuesday, March 16, 2004
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"LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF SUICIDE"
Ordinarily, suicide is viewed as a tragic and sad escape for the misunderstood and the weak. It is the last resort of people not strong enough to go on, or just have really weird flu-like diseases that won''t go away (Okay, I was kidding about the last part, calm the fuck down everybody.) But sometimes, suicide is more than just a tragedy. Sometimes suicide can be fucking hilarious!
Case in point, the sad saga this un-named guy from Hartland, Maine. This cat is so brutally fucked up and monstrously stupid that he could easily have gotten a job on the Kerry campaign or the Bush economic team instead of doing something rash.
As it happens, our young friend was seeing images of God on his computer. That in itself fascinates me insofar as I've never seen pictures of God, at least not recent ones. So, he did what any God-fearing young man in such a situation would do. He attempted to crucify himself.
What our protagonist forgot was even the Son of Man needed a hand. I mean, he specifically needed a hand. A free one. That's right, our young hero nailed one hand to his homemade cross before realizing that in such a position he couldn't nail the other one down. After all, as Mel Gibson has been so profitable in reminding us, Jesus didn't just crucify himself. It takes a lot of folks to pull off a quality crucifixtion. That's why you only really see them in the Phillipines these days.
So he did what anyone would do in such a jam, he called 911.
And to think that this tragic, yet incredibly funny event could've been avoided if the town of Hartland, Maine only had a proclamation banning Satan from its city limits.
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