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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
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SAID YOU AINT SEEN NOTHIN' 'TILL YOU'RE DOWN ON THE MUFFIN
Cunnilingus is a passion of mine. Firstly, it's one of the very few things that I'm actually good at, and secondly, it's one of the few activities that I actually enjoy. I've found that as I grow older, the list of activities that disgust me grows ever longer. Christ, I don't even read very much anymore. Most of my time is spent writing mediocre erotica, playing around with this stupid blog and masturbating. And when I masturbate, I'm almost always thinking about cunnilingus. I'm an avid fan.
Boy, I share a lot with you people, don't I?
As some of you know, I don't only write for this jerk-off blog. I've written for other websites as well. Some of the things I've written for those sites have been published under my real name and accordingly, aren't linked here. Those of you who have followed my less than illustrious writings may already be aware that I've written extensively about cunnilingus before. Now I'm writing about it again. As I've said, I'm a big proponent.
In my Chaos In Motion essay, I mostly pontificated mostly on proper technique. I did not address the importance of the act itself. And few things you do will be as important as leaning to give a woman great head. I expect that my more outgoing female readers will comment in agreement. If you're anything like me, it becomes even more important. A little background, I'm less than attractive. This goes without saying. Okay, I'm hideous. I can't attract women on the basis of appearance. The first thing I know about any woman shows a sexual interest in me is the strength of her stomach. I also have a horrible personality. Many bloggers assume a persona that they write from. I don't. I'm not radically different in person than I am here. I'm sure that you all can see how much of a problem this poses in starting and maintaining a relationship.
Fortunately, I'm fantastic at the eating of the pussy. My regular readers should not that I'm not much for tooting my own horn. By reviewing what I've said in the last 10 months, you'll learn very quickly that I believe that I suck at most things. I excel at precisely two things; failure and cunnilingus. I can't tell you how much that particular skill makes up for in a relationship.
Throughout my life, women have been fairly open with me. I've been privy to "girl talk." In certain circles, I've been considered "one of the girls", most probably because I'm hung accordingly. The one thing I've learned most vividly from girl talk is that 9 out of every ten men are incapable of satisfying their partner orally. This isn't theoretical, it's an established fact. Some of the guys reading this essay will be saying to themselves, "Sure, skippy's funny, but I have NO problem in that area." My reponse is as follows. Yes, you do have a problem in that area. Your girlfriend told me so. Besides, there's always room for improvement. There's no such thing as being too good at giving head.
When I first started hearing these comments from women, I wondered why these girls stuck around. They did for the simple reason that their significant others are one of three things, A) Good Looking B) Not human garbage, or C) They have really good and jobs and can provide for them. So these women make the trade off, their sexual frustration is compensated for in other areas.
I don't have those advantages. All I have going for me is my skill between a woman's legs. That makes it difficult for a woman to leave me. The internal dialogue with the women I've been with goes something like this, "He's swine, loathsome to look at and when he has a job at all, it's only one step up from wearing a paper hat for a living. But Jesus Christ, I've never been with someone who is so patient and determined to make sure that I come harder than I ever dreamed possibe." Like I said, it makes up for A LOT.
Don't get me wrong, eventually the car accident that is my face and my personality deficiencies eventually bite me on the ass. But it takes a lot longer than it otherwise would were it not for my passion for the female anatomy.
I should take this opportunity to stress one point for my gentleman readers. The younger your paramour, the less important spectacular head is. So be careful. Generally speaking, women under 30 only have a vague idea how important oral skills are. They lack the experience that demonstrates just how rare getting great head is. Young women are naive enough to believe that the next guy will be better in that department than their current partner. He won't be. Chances are that he'll be worse.
When women hit their thirties and forties, they've been disappointed for years. In some cases, decades. This is why few women in their early twenties own sex toys and ALL women in their forties do. I've known women who have gone upwards of fifteen years without having an orgasm provided them by a partner. These women are incredibly grateful when they find someone who can make them cum really, really hard. Gentlemen, if you take any advice from me at all, take this piece to heart, if you're a disappointing lay, never get involved with a woman over 25. Only pain awaits you.
The problem men face in the ways of romance is that, generally speaking, women won't tell us if we're a lousy lay or not. Women are too considerate of our fragile egos and will do things like lie and fake orgasms and then find another reason for us to go away. I'm of the firm belief that faking an orgasm should be a criminal offence and those who engage in it should face a long period of incarceration. It's extradonarily difficult to rectify a problem you're unaware that you have. Most women will never tell you if you leave them sexually frustrated. But they will tell their friends and they will tell me.
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