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Thursday, March 18, 2004
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VEGETARIANS ARE SWINE, PART THE SECOND
You may remember that last weekend I wrote about a mind-numbingly offensive PETA ad campaign comparing the eating of meat to the systematic slaughter of six million European Jews. Being genetically incapable of leaving well enough alone, PETA has decided to run the ads in, you guessed it, Germany.
The motherfuckers. Just for that, I'm going to have an extra large, juicy steak before Dr. Reverend takes me to see Bob Dylan tomorrow night. I might even offer to tip the waiter extra if I can go into the kitchen and carve the cut I want directly from the cow. It'll be a bigger tip if the cow is still alive. God, I'd give anything to see those vegetarian cunts get into a plane crash in the Andes and be forced by a hunger-induced desperation to cannibalize one another. That would make me smile.
While I'm on the topic of meaty goodness, I'd like to address the most recent misfortune of my friend and yours, Kilgore Trout. Young Kilgore has had a particularly bad month. He lost his girlfriend (which, on the bright side may resurrect his brilliant "involuntary celibacy watch") and had a nasty car accident in his brand new car. Kilgore left the scene of the accident and could not get his insurance to pay for the damage. The resulting financial pressure has caused our hero to lose his personal security blanket, his daily Hot Pocket.
As Hot Pockets are chock full of meat, I suggest that we all show our disapproval of PETA by contributing to a "Hot Pockets For Kilgore Fund." PETA gets pissed, you feed the gnawing hole within you all that cries out to give to a good cause, and - perhaps, most importantly - Kilgore regains the inner glow that only a Hot Pocket can provide.
Is a dollar a day too high a price to pay for a promising young Trout?
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