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Monday, April 12, 2004
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INDECISION SUCKS!
Have you ever held a really strong opinion about something and then circumstances force you to re-evaluate that opinion? And then you settle on a new opinion before circumstances change yet again? Me, too. I hate it when that happens.
Up until yesterday, I figured that the insurgency in Iraq was the result of stupidity. After all, being occupied by the United States is often the best thing that can happen to a country. For example, the U.S only formally occupied Germany and Japan for about 7 years (1945-1952) and Americans STILL line up to buy German and Japanese stuff like cars, TVs and stereo equipment. The U.S occupied Japan, and for a long time, in the 1980s, it looked like Japan was going to retaliate by buying the United States.
So I figured the insurgents were retards. After all, all Iraq has to sell after only a year of occupation is oil. The Oil will run out at some point. Toyotas won't. The Iraqis should have let the Americans set up some cool industries and then used the proceeds to buy Montana.
Then they started kidnapping people. Reasonable way to make a point, I suppose. Besides, I'm of an age where I remember Arabs being much better at kidnappings than fighting wars. Can anyone remember the last time an Arab country won a war? Anyone? Anyone? I think it was in the 1958, when the Algerians kicked France out. And I'm not even sure the French count. They're pussies! Christ, the French even lost to Vietnam and anyone who loses to Vietnam is....Oh. Nevermind.
So, kidnapping is a good way to go, if you can't stand up and white like a white man without getting your ass kicked. But you need to be careful. Kidnapping is a fickle business. One should always be careful not to kidnapped people crazier than you are. It's bad form.
Yesterday, the insurgents kidnapped 7 Chinese nationals. The Chinese government is slightly unpredictable. Does anyone remember Tiennamen Square? Those kids were Chinese nationals, yet that didn't stop the government from slaughtering thousands of them. And the Chinese government hates foreigners even more than they hate college students. But, no biggie. It's not like the Chinese can invade. China is separated from the Middle East by a little country named India. The Indians hate the Chinese. The Indians also have nuclear weapons. So you won't see humans waves of Chinese soldiers in Baghdad anytime soon. Besides, the Chinese were released today. Maybe the insurgents thought they were Japanese.
But the move to kidnapping the citizens of the most powerful, bloodthirsty Communist nation on Earth (with the corpses of 60,000,000 of its OWN people under its belt) was an indication that the insurgents weren't stupid. They might very well be motherfucking NUTS!
Just as soon as the Chinese were released, the Iraqis kidnapped 11 Russian citizens. This is a seriously bad idea. Firstly, because the Russians aren't a huge fan of Muslims right now (See: Chechnya.) The second reason requires a little historical context. A couple of doors down from Iraq is a country called Lebanon. The Lebanese ruled at kidnapping. At one point in the 1980s, Hezbollah held about a dozen American hostages in Beirut. Then Hezbollah got ballsy. They kidnapped a staffer of the Soviet embassy. The KGB responded by kidnapping a member of Hezbollah. The Russians mailed their captor back to Hezbollah. In pieces. Over the course of a couple of weeks. Needless to say, the Soviets got their boy back and Russian citizens went about the most dangerous city in the world at the time, unmolested.
There's a significant difference between Russians and Americans. If you annoy the Americans, sure, they'll invade your country and topple your government. But they'll leave you a really cool economy for your trouble. The Russians are decidedly more serious as a people. They don't respond well to kidnapping, either. Here's another historical example. About 18 months ago, Chechen terrorists over ran an opera house in Moscow and held over 300 people hostage. This annoyed the Russians greatly. About three days later, Russian special forces entered the theater using a morphine based gas and shot all the Chechens. That between a third and half of the hostages died in the rescue was of no real consequence to the Putin government.
Generally speaking, kidnapping Russian citizens is bad business. If you kidnap an American, lots of other Americans will tie yellow ribbons 'round old oak trees and other like nonsense. However, should you kidnap a Russian, you get mailed home. In pieces. Over the course of several weeks.
I have therefore come to the conclusion that the Iraqi insurgents are stupid AND crazy.
Class dismissed.
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