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Thursday, April 15, 2004
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TRUE BE CAN'T THIS
Drinking noggin hurt no.
I have a very hard time believing this for a very specific reason. 100 drinks a month is probably acceptable as "heavily drinking" to normal humans. But it was a study done by American universities and it includes beer, presumably American beer. I barely count American beer as alcohol.
When I was traveling to California on a regular basis, Judy and I would buy lots and lots of beer. I never got over the novelty of buying beer virtually everywhere (supermarkets, corner stores, gas stations, car washes, funeral homes, proctologist's offices, ect) and because I showed up with a handy candy credit card, Judy was liberated from drinking some vile conconction called Natural Light.
I had always known that American beer has a lower alcohol content than that enjoyed by the world's more civilized peoples, but I wasn't aware of just how significant the difference was. Let's just say that it is significant indeed. I found it virtually impossible to get fucked up on American beer. So on my second or third trip, I decided to conduct an experiment. I'm scientific soul, I suppose.
The experiment went as follows: buy as much beer as possible (for the purposes of the experiment, I chose Budweiser (its cheap and comes in cases of 30), start drinking upon waking up in the morning and monitor my progress. And I did. That day, I awoke at about 7 AM and had a beer with my morning coffee and averaged about 3 beers an hour. I broke only to go used book shopping (I highly recommend Half Price Books in Fremont, California) and to buy more pork rinds and beer (Remember the rinds, Judy?)
Upon going to bed at about midnight, I found myself as sober as when I woke up . It was depressing! In short, trying to get fucked up on American beer is a long run for a short slide. I think I was also taking Darvocet that day, too (which I also recommend.) Mixing mass quantities of beer with industrial-strength painkillers is generally accepted to be a bad idea, but I'm here to tell you that it's just fine if you're washing them down with Budweiser. All things considered, I probably drank over a hundred beers that week.
And me think good. So there.
I'm all about the scientific method.
DISCAIMER: The above is a professional stunt performed by a professional and not intended for home use. Enjoy Every Sandwich assumes no liability, for any injury, professional damage or broken relationship that arises from unauthorized re-enactments of the above detailed experiment. All sales are final.
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