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Thursday, April 01, 2004
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WE'RE NUMBER.......FIVE: Sure Canada was ranked as the best country in which to live by the United Nations three years in a row, but a country never really feels pretty until al-Qaeda notices it. Well, today Canada feels pretty. Not gorgeous, mind you. But pretty. Like we'll get a chance at marrying a doctor to have perfect children with and stuff.
That's right, al-Qaeda has been making a list and checking it twice and here are the top six foriegn nationals they want dismembered:
-Americans
-British
-Spanish
-Australians
-Canadians
-Italians
The fucking Australians beat us at everything. It aint right that we're stuck with the international gutter that is Italy.
ONE SLEEPY KID STARTS AN ENIMIES LIST:
 CNN's lax fact checking very nearly started a war more fearsome than what's awaiting Iraq when the US goes home. David Letterman nearly went medevial George Bush. Karl Rove called the Late Show host wimpering for forgiveness. Everyone knows that Bush is doomed if he only carries the Leno vote that he won in 2000.
SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND EVERY DAY:
 Now that she's been named Maxim's Girlfriend of the Day, National Security Adviser (and another chick I'd like to rail), Condoleeza Rice may be able to fufil another long time fantasy of mine, posing in my projected Foreign Affairs swimsuit issue. I'm thinking I could shoot her frollicking on the beach with Henry Kissinger. Wearing a thong. Oh, Condi wouldn't be wearing the thong. Kissinger would SEX-AYYYY! That'll show those pricks at the Washington Post.
FRIENDLY WARNINGS ALL AROUND: I'm sure that at least some of my readers work in the food service industry. You might get a phone call from someone claiming to be a police officer telling you that one of the employees is a thief and that you should strip search them. Uh, don't. Okay? Thanks.
That is all.
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