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Sunday, April 11, 2004
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WHAT'S SO FUNNY 'BOUT PEACE, LOVE AND MASTURBATION?
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no
-"I Touch Myself
by Divinyls
I love my penis. Those of you out there who have seen it have had some nice things to say about it as well, but women are hard to trust that way. They say stuff to make you feel good and then, the second you have a nasty disagreement or a final breakup, the ugly truth comes out. Therefore, I never trust a women's positive review of my sexual abilities or accessories until they are no longer the recipient of them. If I still get a "thumb's up," then I'm a happy boy.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah. I dig my cock. A lot. I can barely keep my hands off of it and haven't since about 1980. To tell you the truth, you're lucky that I blog at all. I'd much rather be masturbating.
There are basically three types of people when it comes (pardon the pun) to masturbation: people like me (or who differ from me only as much as the frequency of my masturbation borders on the maniacal), liars and the mentally ill. Everybody does and nobody admits it. This makes masturbation hilarious.
And dangerous to your career. Ask Jocelyn Elders, the first Surgeon General of the United States in the Clinton administration. She was publicly fired for advocating masturbation to high school students as a means of avoiding STDs. The backlash was immediate and less than jocular. President Clinton was left no other alternative but to fire Elders. His statement at the time was amusing. In announcing her dismissal, Clinton said that Elders' statement led to to "differences with administration policy and my own convictions."
Let's forward to January of 1996 to learn more about Bill Clinton's personal convictions, shall we?
Q Did you perform oral sex on him or any kind of sex on him?
A Yes, I did.
Q Could you describe how that came about?
A Yes. He unzipped his pants and sort of exposed himself and that -- and then I performed oral sex.
Q Let me ask, on all of these occasions when you've described just the pants unzipping and exposing, is it fair to say that he still kept his pants on?
A Yes.
Q It was just the zipper that --
A Yes.
Q -- was undone?
A Right. And actually at one point during this encounter, I think someone came into the, to the Oval Office and he, you know, zipped up real quickly and went out and came back in, and I -- this is probably too much information. I just -- sorry.
Q And what happened?
A I just remember laughing because he had walked out there and he was visibly aroused, and I just thought it was funny. I mean, it wouldn't, it wouldn't necessarily be visible to anyone who just walked in because they wouldn't be looking at that, but it was just funny to me. So.
And then his -- then someone -- I think at that point someone came in to let him know that his friend had arrived. And so he asked me which way I wanted to leave, and I said I was going to go, I was going to leave through Betty's office. And we went into -- we went from the back study through the Oval into Betty's office area, and he took me into Nancy Hernreich's office and kissed me goodbye.
And then I went to go leave from, from Betty's office, from the door into the hallway, to the West Wing hallway, but it was locked. So, I went back in to tell him. He was still in Nancy's office. I went back into Nancy's office to tell him the door was locked, and he was manually stimulating himself.
-Grand Jury Testimony of Monica S. Lewinsky, August 26, 1998
Wowee. Here's a guy who had a girl, one with a really nice face at that, literally begging the president to come in her mouth. And she was rebuffed, in Monica's testimony she explained that the president had "the two excuses he always used were, one, that he didn't know me well enough or he didn't trust me yet. So that it sort of seemed to be some bizarre issue for him." This bears some exploring. He knew her and trusted her well enough to put his cock in her skull but not enough to make her happy?
Later in the relationship, the President of the United States told "that woman, Miss Lewinsky that he couldn't deliver the goods because, "You might get addicted to me (also from her August 26 testimony.)" That Clinton cum is worse than crack.
Instead, President Clinton took matters into his own hands. No shame in that. He always was described as a hands-on president. His excuses are actually far creepier than his actual actions when you think about it.
Other than my personal enthusiasm for the exercise and never being one to miss an opportunity to make fun of Bill Clinton, masturbation is ageless and fascinating. And there's just never been enough written about it. Well, the times they are a-changing.
God bless the New York Review of Books. They're nothing if not versatile. They move from a critique of the space program, to the Passion of the Christ to a review of a book about jerking off, all in one issue.
As the article by Stephen Greenblatt demonstrates, Onan , the namesake of my favorite pastime was actually croaked by God for preferring his hand to the pussy. He was a biblical Bill Clinton. Had Onan spilled his seed on Nancy Hernriech's carpet, he might've lived, but an Independant Counsel almost certainly would have been appointed. Which is worse? Only Onan, Bill Clinton and God know for sure. It wasn't the beating of the meat that was so bad, it was the refusal to share the spoils. This, of course, came to be misunderstood through history as a condemnation of masturbation itself. Nothing could be further from the truth. If there is a God who created masturbation, I doubt something meant to be so evil would feel so good. Besides, masturbation has positive social effects as well. Effects like my not hitting people with a chair out of frustration. I'm also sure that if there is a God, he/she/it rubs one out from time to time, too. And doesn't even have to hide it from the kid. Ahhhhhhh, the joys of the Trinity.
Mr. Greenblatt points out in his review of Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation by Thomas W. Laqueur, that beating the Bishop was a leading cause of both the Reformation and anti-Papism, in that
"Protestants vehemently castigated Catholics for creating institutions - monasteries and convents - that in their view denigrated marriage and inevitably fostered masturbation. Marriage, the Reformers preached, was not a disappointing second choice made by those who could not embrace the higher goal of chastity; it was the fulfillment of human and divine love. Sexual pleasure in marriage, provided that it was not excessive or pursued for its own sake, was not inherently sinful, or rather any taint of sinfulness was expunged by the divinely sanctioned goal of procreation. In the wake of Luther and Calvin masturbation remained what it had been for the rabbis: an act whose sinfulness lay in the refusal of procreation, the prodigal wasting of seed."
Verily, masturbation changed the course of HISTORY!
The review and the book itself appear to be very scholarly dissertations on the topic of self-abuse. I can't be absolutely sure of this because I had to stop reading about a third of the way through to masturbate. If I were to point to the single funniest aspect of this review, it would be that it was written in the context of using the book for a course at Harvard. This raises some fascinating questions, like "how do you fail a course on masturbation? Is the final a circle jerk? Is it possible to grade on a curve for such a course?
Okay, I think I'm out of cheap dick jokes for today. Besides, I need to masturbate again.
CURRENTLY READING: "No Peace, No Honor: Nixon, Kissinger and Betrayal in Vietnam" by Larry Berman
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