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Saturday, May 22, 2004
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LOVE STORY
Over the years, I've been asked many times if I've considered running for office. Given my love of politics, you'd think that it would be a natural thing for me to do. In fact, it isn't. I have a significantly better chance of becoming Miss Universe than I do becoming the nominee of any party for elective office.
There are several reasons for this. Firstly, I detest the blind loyalty of my polticians to their parties. In Canada especially, members are Parliament often have to vote in ways that they publicly swore that they wouldn't because of party loyalty and/or discipline. If I were to hold office, my parties whip would get very used to hearing me tell him or her to go fuck himself. I might also sing, "You're not the boss of me" whilst spinning in circles until I fall down giggling.
I also hold voters in contempt. Most voters are uninformed, atavistic, greedy jackals. I've followed enough campaigns and been in love with politics long enough to know this. It isn't politics that's broken my heart. I actually like the fact that most politicians are craven and duplicitous. It entertains me endlessly. Voters on the other hand, frustrate me past the breaking point. If you listen to most opinion polling, you'll read that most respondents crave "economy for the future and lowered deficits for our children and grandchildren." Then they'll turn around and vote for whichever candidate offers them the most "free" shit. Of course, then they'll go back to pissing and moaning about taxes and the government. Politicians know voters are full of shit. This is why they continue to try to outbid each other in the "free shit follies" even though polling tells them they shouldn't.
Canada had its first woman Prime Minister a decade ago. Her name was Kim Campbell and she was actually a pretty smart broad. During the 1993 election, she was quoted as saying the following: "Election campaigns are not the time to discuss the issues." People predictably went batshit. Of course, she was right, election campaigns are the time to lie and buy people off with their own money. Everybody knows that, you're just not supposed to say it. Campbell's party, the Progressive Conservatives, were destroyed in that election, going from 188 seats in Parliament to 2. It was the most spectacular ass-kicking in Canadian history. Telling the truth tends to fuck you in politics.
The biggest reason that I won't run for office is the fact that you're just not allowed to have any fun in politics. I have this hobby that involves snorting crystal meth off of the tight, firm buttocks of Lindsey Lohan. That kind of conduct is discouraged in politics. I'm not prepared to give it up. So there.
I mean, Christ, it's getting so you can't even have a romantic relationship with a fugative gang leader in politics anymore. Seriously, I think that letting a little Heroin and Cocaine dealing to get in the way of love is a little much for voters to expect. As Bill Clinton once said, "Even presidents have private lives." And he was in a position to know such things.
Okay, one may reasonably expect politicians not have affairs with fugative drug dealers. I think it's harsh, but that's life. But not letting them fuck hookers in Costa Rica? I think that's just going to far! I would imagine that most intelligent people would want to flee Warren, Michigan and I can't imagine any other reason to go to Costa Rica. Think about it, Michigan is famously uptight about things like putting your cock into a whore. Costa Rica famously isn't. As a matter of fact, prostitution is legal there. So if, say a few Judges and the Chief of Police vacation in Costa Rica...well, you can do the math.
Ultimately, this is what keeps me out of politics. If people get their panties in a bunch over loving gangsters and pounding putas, imagine the shitstorm that the things that I like doing with jailbait movie stars would cause. And I haven't even gotten that detailed about it. But I would if I was elected. It would be kind of funny seeing the reaction of the villagers to the site of their elected representative, resplendant in a Central American general's uniform, with his tongue in the ass of Lindsay Lohan in public. I can say as a matter of absolute moral certanty that if I got my hands on her, Friday would indeed be "Freaky."
The only thing better than violating the hot-beyond-her-years Lindsay would be a horribly degrading three-way with myself, Lindsay and Tina Fey.
picture ruthlessly stolen from Forget Your Fears
Maybe it's just me, but I think the "slutty librarian" look that Tina has going is way hot.
Anyhow, I know that I went way off topic with my whole declaration of lust for Lohan but its my blog. I'm sure you can deal.
But now I'm all excited and desperately need to masturbate again. It's been five times so far today. That can't be right for a man my age. Jesus, I'm 126 years old! I should NOT have a sex drive like this. And if you absolutely MUST know, I hadn't thought about Lindsay during any one of those five sessions. I usually think about someone else when I jerk off.
Ultimately, I think that's why so many of you keep coming back. You can't get enough of my sharing.
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