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Friday, May 14, 2004
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UNDER THE VELVET THUMB
As someone who has been known to dress tastefully from time to time, and has been told that I have a "purty mouth", it should come as no surprise that I have had occasion to be mistaken as a homosexual. I'm not actually. I love women and their womenly parts. Some of my more attentive readers may have noticed this.
However, I have kept an eye on gay culture. Firstly, because I actually do view it as a civil rights movement of sorts and secondly,because I find guys dressed like Cher amusing. My fascination with human sexuality has led me to come to a conclusion about "homophobia" that most academics have overlooked. Most academics agree that "homophobia" (a wildly misused term. Homophobia is actually a psychiatric condition wherein the "victim" is so clinically afraid of being latently homosexual that he would harm or kill another human being to disprove it. I actually think most true homophobes actually ARE fairies.) stems from fear. I do not.
I believe that it stems from resentment. Resentment of the "glory hole." We've all heard of glory holes, they're usually located in a club or men's room stall where a gay man can place his genitals and another, presumably, gay man will fellate them. There is no equivilent to this in the straight world. Women want stuff for fellatio. Stuff like a house. Accordingly, straight men are jealous. Jealously breeds anger, which in straight men, breeds violence. Pretty simple, huh? And to think I didn't even graduate rom high school.....
So other than my sympathy for the underdog (and yes, I HAVE thought of all the top/bottom puns I could've inserted there) and the glee I find in transsexuals who resemble celebrities, I think I understand the culture somewhat. Better than most of my pussy proponent brethren, anyway. Given my education on all things gay, I'm unsure of the potential success of this show.
"Seriously, Dude, I'm Gay" is, of course, produced by Fox. It would probably be funnier if it was done by say.....Nick at Nite, but I never get what I want. The show is described as follows,
"Two straight men will do their best to pass themselves off as gay as they compete for $50,000 (28,000 pounds) in an upcoming Fox television special, "Seriously, Dude, I'm Gay", the network says."
"Without having seen the show yet, it raises some red flags for us, speaking to negative stereotypes that we work every day to tear down," GLAAD spokesman Stephen Macias told Reuters.
He cited a passage in the press release stating that two straight contestants will immerse themselves in "the gay lifestyle" as they move into separate West Hollywood apartments with gay roommates, come out of the closet to their best friends and socialise at gay nightclubs. Each will even go out on a blind date with another man.
Fox also said the two contestants will be judged by a "jury of their queers" -- a panel of gay men from all walks of life who will decide which of the two they believe is actually gay and the winner of $50,000.
Straight guys passing themselves off as gay for fun and profit? Sounds like an enticing idea. A little simplistic perhaps, but it could make for fantastic television. If only it were on premium cable.
To my non-straight male readership (and they are many for they are legion. I'm a Homo Icon!), I should make a couple of quick observations. All straight men men think their straight friends and family are secretly queer. Impotent at a bare minimum. Anybody can lisp or sashay in a pink sundress (no comments, Judy.) That doesn't really convince anyone that you're gay, just funny. Of course, I have magnificent cunnilingus skills so that might convince women that I'm straight. Gay men suck at cunnilingus, pardon the pun.
There are any number of things one can do to convince the "straight world" that one is, indeed, homosexual. The problem is that few, if any, are airable on advertiser supported, broadcast television. These include:
1)Join the Catholic clergy
2)Appreciate Broadway
3)Volunteer to guard a U.S military prison in Iraq
4)Volunteer for U.S military after 9/11 and then flee to Canada in shock when a war actually breaks out
5)Begin a social movement protesting "the lame, conformist tactics of ACT UP"
6)Tell loved ones you're thinking of joining al-Qaeda because Osama bin Laden, "reminds me of Princess Di in that photo where he looks up and away from the camera."
7)Join the Boy Scouts.......at 30.
8)Get a tattoo of a penis...on your cheek. The cheek on your face.
9)Get a tattoo on your other facial cheek saying, "You should see what I have tattooed on my ass!"
10)Blow a boatload of guys. Start with Geraldo.
Oh, I nearly forgot. Today is the first aniversary of my blogging. Yippie. No, seriously, I was stupid to start and now I'm not sure I can quit. It's kind of like dressing like Cher to me, but less public.
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