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Saturday, June 12, 2004
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THE BALLAD OF JESSICA CUTLER
In the last year, I've learned a great deal about the professional damage that can be incurred by your blog. As some of you know, I started my first blog at work. It was one of those rare slow nights and I figured, "hey, no harm, no foul, right?"
Wrong.
The IT department of the property management company I worked for read that blog with great interest. For three months, actually. To say that they took exception to some of my views is an almost volcanic understatement.
They called my employers, who were so afraid of the union I was forced to belong to, that they decided that they couldn't fire me. Instead they were going to demote and transfer me. But one of them had a particularly nasty idea. They told me that my boss, who did in fact know about my blog, would be fired if I didn't resign. My boss is a good guy who did nothing wrong other than think I'm funny. So I walked.
In a nutshell, this is how I learned that if you fuck around with a blog, sometimes the blog fucks back.
That's why I've been following with great interest the mean saga of Jessica Cutler.It's a story that has been bouncing around for about a month now. Miss Cutler was a staff aide to Senator Mike Dewine (R-OH). Miss Cutler also had a blog. Her blog was slightly more controversial than mine. Granted, I did say some pretty crazy shit. But I doubt anyone thought I was actually going to bind my staff in bailing wire, set them on fire and throw them down an elevator shaft. On the other hand, if given the opportunity, I would've eaten my wedding cake off of the ass of that Brazillian cleaner. To be fair, so would you. She was incredibly hot.
Yeah, my girlfriend at the time was thrilled about that, too.
But Miss Cutler, or Washingtonienne, as she prefers, did me one better. Her blog details her fondness for anal sex. Okay, so did my old blog. Come to think of it, this one does, too. However, I've never detailed the glee I feel when renumerated for said butt fun. Of course, I've never charged a woman for that. Some things I do for love. I also do not work for a conservative Republican senator or written about my devotion to paid buggery on a government computer. Jessica Cutler did.
And for this, Jessica Cutler was unceremoniously fired.
Actually, there was nothing unceremonious about it. Jessie became quite the celebrity. In one quick search, I found profiles on her written in the Washington Post and the Manchester Guardian. Other blogs have gone to some lengths to find out the identities of her butt buddies.
There used to be a time when being a giant butt slut was a source of shame. Now it gets you a fucking book deal. Apparently, Cutler has such a deal. I should start getting things bigger than a woman's finger in my keister and write about it on a government computer. I would like a book deal, too.
I'll be honest about one thing. Part of the reason this story has fascinated me so deeply for a month, is...well, is Jessica a pig? So after President Reagan was safely buried, I looked around. As you all know, if I'm anything, I'm a gentleman. I couldn't get involved in anything this sordid knowing that the Gipper was still above ground. Even I have principles, you know.
But I digress. It turns out that Cutler isn't a pig. Not at all. In fact she's rather fetching.
And before we go any further, yes, I do remember that the lovely 0phelia browbeat me just yesterday for posting pics of whores. But this is different. This is....journalism! I'm like the Woodward and Bernstein of poontang.
Anyhow, here she is, Miss Senate Butt Sex.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
She has kind of a funky skin condition, but would I sodomize her? In a heartbeat. In fact, I would love to hold her like a puppet. I wonder what a three way with Wonkette would cost.
Am I alone in thinking that they should've taken some pictures of her ass? That's the REAL star of the show here. Besides, a dumpy dumper is a deal breaker.
Some you might point out that I'm brutally objectifying Miss Cutler. Some of you would be right. However, Miss Cutler seems to like that sort of thing. In fact, she objectified herself long before she hit my radar. And she does seem to like the attention. I'm nothing if not accomodating.
But ultimately, this should serve as a cautionary tale. I can tell you from experience that posting crazy shit from work is a tres bad idea. And Jessica will tell you that writing about getting fucked in the ass for money on a senate computer will get you a book deal. If she worked for the Supreme Court, it might be different. Everyone knows those 9 are depraved swingers. You have get up pretty early in the morning for decades to outfuck John Paul Stevens. That man is an animal! And don't even get me started on Ruth Bader Ginsberg.......
Ahhhhh, actually forget everything I just said. Post your hearts out from work. I live for the freakshow.
UPDATE: When I originally wrote this post last night, I forgot to include this. It may be the single funniest thing written yet on the strange tale of Miss Cutler. Do NOT read this while drinking any fluids of any kind.
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