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Tuesday, June 29, 2004
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"I'M HOMEWESS AND I HAVE A AFWICAN TATTOO ON MY FACE!"
CONTINUING NOTES FROM THE SITCOM-ESQUE LIFE OF "IRON" MIKE TYSON
Just when you thought things couldn't get more desperately weird in the deviant life of the former Heavyweight Champion of the World, they have.
Now he says that he's been homeless for two years.
I'd make a fucking killing in Hollywood if I were capable of making this shit up.
'For two years I have been a bum, truly a bum in the streets'.
Trust me, the following quotes are comedy gold if you can read them aloud in Tyson's voice. Trust me on this, I've been going it for 24 straight hours.
'I've got nowhere to live. I've been crashing with friends, literally sleeping in shelters. Unsavoury characters are giving me money and I'm taking it. I need it. The drug dealers, they sympathise with me. They see me as some sort of pathetic character.'
Ummmmm, Mike? Drug dealers see their customers as pathetic characters. You merely scare the fuck out of them. Most dealers are fight fans. They remember you ending most of your fights in less than four rounds. Oh, and there's the african tribal tattoo on your face. I bet they don't see that kinda then often. Oh yeah, and you eat people!
'When I had money I was an animal. I was so belligerent. I lost all across the board. My life has been a total waste.'
Don't be so hard on yourself. Your life hasn't been a total waste. It's been a source of some of my best material. One of the best artcles I've ever written was about how batshit crazy you are. Too bad the Terribly Wrong archives are gone. Maybe I'll post it from my old blog here. If I'm not too lazy.
'I know I was a tough, bad-ass talking fighter, but I ain't no mob figure. I did my time for the rape. I paid my money to Las Vegas. I paid my dues.
'I ain't the same person I was when I bit that guy's ear off.'
Truer words have never been spoken. None of us are the same people we were when you bit "that guy's" ear off. That was just too freaky and too fucking cool to ever stay same after seeing it.
I salute you, Mike Tyson. You brilliant, crazy bastard.
And I really do dig the tattoo. I've alwanted a facial tattoo but every woman in my life won't let me. I'm so whipped.
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