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Thursday, June 17, 2004
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"I'M JUST A SOUL WHOSE INTENTIONS ARE GOOD
OH LORD, PLEASE DON'T LET ME BE MISUNDERSTOOD"
From the Department of Beautiful, Beautiful Irony
The greatest love of my life, as much as I may protest to the contrary, has never been a specific woman, or even women in general. And I have a very, shall we say, healthy love for the ladies. No, my greatest passion is reserved for irony. It's so...ironic.
In fact, it's only stories like this that make me feel truly feel alive.
New Hampshire A.G. Heed resigns over misconduct allegation
CONCORD, N.H. (AP) Attorney General Peter Heed resigned abruptly Tuesday because of an allegation of inappropriate conduct with a woman.
Gov. Craig Benson said the alleged incident occurred at a conference last month in Bretton Woods on preventing sexual and domestic abuse. Benson said he heard about the allegations late last week and received Heed's letter Tuesday afternoon.
Wow. That's so symmetrically perfect that I can't even begin to express my love for it in mere words. Engaging in sexual harassment at a conference that is presumably designed to prevent sexual harassment is unbelievably rich. Of course, there's always the possibility that I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe he was the special, "what not to do" instructor. You know, like the cool 12 year old who offers his 10 year old neighbor crack in those Partnership for a Drug Free America commercials.
WMUR-TV reported that the alleged incident occurred after hours on a dance floor.
Ahhhhh, it always seems to start on the dance floor doesn't it? This being New Hampshire and the fact that the alleged victim is female makes it pretty clear that the AG is a straight, white male. Have you ever seen straight, white guys dance? C'mon, what else are we supposed to do on the dance floor?
"I'm an outgoing, enthusiastic guy, as you know, and I try very hard to be part of the people I'm with," Heed said. "If in any way I unintentionally or ambiguously or in any way offended anyone, I'm sorry for that."
For those of you keeping score at home, "I'm an outgoing, enthusiastic guy" is politician speak for, "I was drunk." This interpolation was invented by Representative Wilbur Mills (D-Ark, 1909-1992.) It didn't work for him either.
The station said the woman, whom it did not identify, works for the state.
How is it that everyone seems to have their very own Paula Jones but me?
Benson said he did not disagree with Heed's decision to step down.
And what else is he going to say? "Come on, you broads are way too touchy." Such a statement would put him in the Clayton Williams Hall of Fame. Williams, when running for Governor of Texas in 1990, opined during a press conference that, "rape is like bad weather, if you can't avoid it, you may as well just lie back and try to enjoy it." The wisdom of the statement was compounded by the fact that Williams was running against the decidedly female Ann Richards. Williams lost the race, blowing a huge lead.
Deputy Attorney General Kelly Ayotte, who Benson said will take over for Heed, praised her boss.
"I've worked with Peter for over a year. I have respect for him. It's been a privilege to serve with him," Ayotte said. "And I've never seen him act inappropriately."
Now, I'm not a woman,but I have a pretty good idea how they think. And while she'll never admit it, I'm pretty sure that somewhere in the back of her head, the new Attorney General is thinking, "Why didn't he hit on me? It's because he thinks I'm fat, isn't it?"
Marc Hathaway, the Sullivan County prosecutor, said his office was asked last Wednesday by Heed's office to conduct the investigation, which "has commenced and is continuing."
Uh oh. Investigations are never good.
Heed's resignation over such allegations is the second by a high-profile state official in one year. In April 2003, Fish and Game Director Wayne Vetter resigned six months after being suspended over sexual harassment charges.
This confirms my long held belief that New Hampshire's elected officials are the new rock stars. This is as stinging indictment of rock stars as it sounds. Where have you gone, David Lee Roth? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
On the other hand, can you think of a sexier title than "Fish and Game Director?" You'd think that alone would make him a trim magnet and wouldn't need to resort to sexual harassment.
Anyhow, I'm not sure I'm the only one who finds the whole savage saga funny.
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