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Friday, June 04, 2004
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NOTES OF MAN'S BEST FRIEND: A FIRST CANINE NARRATIVE
There are people who would describe themselves as "dog people" and those that do not. I am decidely of the second category. I have often wondered what, if anything, animals thought about the developments around them. Do they have a thought process or is everything that goes through their tiny little brains refexive and instinctive? For the purposes of this exercise, I'll use this dog as a template. I warn you, this will very probably suck.
JANUARY 3, 2004: Hey, I'm in a new place! New places are cool. I should look around. I'm still in Philadelphia, dammit! Philly is no place for a dog. I wish someone would take me to Cherry Hill, New Jersey. It's so much nicer there. There's lots of space to roam around free...Alas, I'm trapped here.
Waitasecond. Who the fuck is that? Uh-oh, he's got a collar. He must be my new owner. Great, I'm owned by an old dude. I hate old people. Their crotches smell funny.
MARCH 20, 2004 This guy is a massive pain in the ass! He won't let me eat in peace. Everytime he opens a tin of food for me, he puts half of it on a plate and eats it himself. Selfish old bastard. What, can't he afford his own food?
APRIL 15, 2004 My owner hasn't eaten my food in a week. It's so much nicer to enjoy a full meal in peace.
He's getting awfully skinny, though. Maybe he thinks it'll get him laid. Hey, I just thought of a good way to fuck with him. I'll sniff his crotch a lot! Maybe it'll make him feel more desirable. It's such a good joke that it should make the crotch-stink easier to deal with.
APRIL 31, 2004 People keep coming here to look in on the skinny, old bastard and what does he do? He yells at them! What a prick!
MAY 3, 2004 Why is he lying on the floor like that? He hasn't moved in hours.
MAY 5, 2004 He's still in the same spot. I'm getting hungry.
MAY 7, 2004 Hey! Wake up, you lazy old coot! Tell you what, I won't growl if you want to split a can of food.
MAY 12, 2004 His crotch smells much worse than normal.
MAY 13, 2004 Maybe if I bite him, that will get him to get me some food. Of course, biting those kids who used to own is what landed me here with this stinky prick in the first place...but I taught them to throw the ball into the neighbours yard, didn't I? Heh.
Maybe just a little bite. I'll just nip his leg. Hey, this is kind of tasty. Tender, too. The meat just fell right into my mouth.
MAY 17, 2004 The thigh bone's conneted to the knee bone....
MAY 21, 2004 It's been forever since I've had a bone to gnaw on. Too bad there's no one here to play catch with. Maybe if I throw the bone from my mouth, I could chase it myself.....
Wheeeeeeeeeee! This is fun. Who needs people, anyhow?
JUNE 2, 2004 I'm hungry again. This sucks!
JUNE 3, 2004 Oh, more people are here. Maybe if I bring them a bone, they'll play with me.
Uh oh...they don't seem happy....
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