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Tuesday, June 08, 2004
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SEX EDUCATION
Being a child is a big pain the ass. I found nothing about it even remotely entertaining. There's something about the memory of being shorter than everybody else and not having a fucking clue what's going on that still brings me intense discomfort. I found it's much better to be taller than everybody else and not having a fucking clue what's going on. Besides, as I learned the hard way, children can be exceptionally cruel to an ugly child. This is why I much prefer being an ugly adult.
The one thing that being a minor has to recommend it is rebellion. Rebellion is expected of the teenage set. The only drawback is that teenagers are shockingly uncreative. They all tend to rebel in the same ways. Sure, Columbine was impressive when Harris and Kliebold came up with the idea, but the wanna-bes are boring.
There was one kid that really, really impressed me though. One morning, about six years ago, the kid called into the Howard Stern Show as Stern interviewed porn star, Houston. Houston was then celebrating winning the title of World's Largest Gangbang, wherein she engaged in sexual congress with some 500 partners over the course of one day.
The kid had a pretty simple, yet ingeniuous request. He wanted to take Houston to his prom. Houston agreed. The prom was a success. The kid even got to nail Houston. In fact, the prom started a relationship between them that lasted just over a year. The kid is a comedy mastermind.
Houston, on the other hand, didn't rebound well from the affair. In fact, she lost her mind. Shortly afterward, she had her labia surgically reduced and sold the lucite-encased shavings on the Internet. This is creepy without the added benefit of being hot. To be fair, I was mostly upset that I couldn't afford the labial remains. They would've made a fantastic conversation piece on my coffee table.
Of course, Stern returns to idea from time to time. Recently, he had a contest where porn star Tyler Faith (pictured above) would accompany the winner to his prom. Max Miesel of Weston, Conneticutt was the lucky winner. Lucky prick. Tyler Faith is cute!
But parents and the school system being what they are, set out to destroy young Max's dream. The bastards. He couldn't take his porn star to the prom, which is the only circumstance that I could imagine going to the prom. Well, I would've gone if I knew 0phelia then, but she was living in another country and was in kindergarden or something at the time. If you think taking a porn star to the prom will lead to some awkward stares, trying taking a four year old girl.....
The point is, no matter how great your dream, no matter how noble. The Man will not be satisfied until that dream is crushed beneath his boot heel.
No justice, no peace.
On another note, did you know buggery will make you fat?
Yep, it's true, as Dr. Reverend would say.
A high ranking Conservative member of the House of Lords says that the push for civil rights by gays is leading to a nation of obese people. Lord Tebbit then compared same-sex marriage to the promotion of buggery.
As I've noted in this space before, homosexuals will engage in buggery regardless if they are allowed to marry. If anything, from everything I've heard, marriage does more than anything to end interesting sex.
Lord Tebbit (if that is his real name), like many conservative idiots overlooks one important point in the same-sex marriage debate. The point is this, to oppose gay marriage is to promote gay fornication, which is something you would think conservatives would be against. After all, it's not like you'll ever hear the dudes from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy say this, "Well, since we'll never get to marry Brad Pitt, we may as well start trolling for pussy. We never would've ended up in this position if they only let us take Tyler Faith to the prom!" I'm no expert or anything, but it appears sensible that wanting another man in your ass is something of a commitment.
He suggested Labor's "promotion of buggery" was "intimately connected" to the increasing number of overweight people.
Huh? I think I'm lost.
"Families now so seldom eat together. They don't prepare meals properly. Wives are pressurized into thinking they ought to go out to work instead of looking after their children. And it is the breakdown of family that is at the root of it."
Not eating with your family makes you a homo? Shit, I haven't broken bread with those people since 1984...... I'm pretty sure that my love of show tunes has nothing to do with that though.
"We not only have an epidemic of obesity, we have a huge problem of AIDS and the Government's attitude is to do all it can to promote buggery."
Isn't one of the symptoms of AIDS massive weight loss? And how is the government promoting buggery? It never helped me with that. Christ, I was 31 years old before I got any butt fun.
It's starting seem that only place a sissy can have any fun at all anymore is the Austrailan military.
Class dismissed.
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