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Tuesday, July 20, 2004
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BOOSTER OF HAS-BEENS SINCE JULY 2004
Here's a question that I'm sure has been keeping you up as many nights as it has me. That question is, "Who's dumber, Linda Ronstadt or Michael Moore?" I'm also dying to know who went on that diet first, but some things are better left unsaid.
As most of you know, Linda Ronstadt didn't, in fact, choke on a ham sandwich and die in 1973. That was Cass Elliott. But lately you can see the cause for confusion. The fact that no one has seen much of Ronstadt lately, and that there's so much to see as to make it hard to avoid, could have been taken to mean that her career was over.
And where do entertainers go when they're unemployable? Politics. Politics has been described as show business for ugly people. It's also the last safe refuge for the formerly beautiful people. You'll notice that Ronald Reagan never considered running for office when his movies were making money. Ditto, Schwarzenegger. Gopher waited until long after the the cancellation of the Love Boat before becoming....Congressman Gopher. And yes, I do know that his real name is Fred Grandy. All I'm saying is that you don't. This is because I'm smarter than all of you. Prettier, too.
So, Linda somehow got a job in Las Vegas. People will apparently see anybody in Vegas. I'm waiting for a homeless guy from Trenton to headline at Ceasar's Palace. It'll happen, too. Just wait. Linda then decided she was going to dedicate a song to Michael Moore and implore folks to see his movie. This turned out to be not such a good idea. You see, other than the glorification of hookers, alcoholism and family-destroying gaming, Vegas is a really conservative place. And they hate politics interfering with their debauchery. Virtually everybody in show business knows this. It's reason that Siegfried and Roy almost never ended thier shows by crying "Deuschsland Uber Alles!"
But Linda got to make her little endorsement. And it got her ass fired. Go figure.
I knew this story wouldn't be a simple, one-day shot. This is because Moore is the kind of guy who hasn't ever seen a press opportunity that he hasn't immediately fallen in love with. Although it appears that no one in the mainstream media was taking Mike's calls, so he released his statement on his dopey website.
What country do you live in? Last time I checked, Las Vegas is still in the United States. And in the United States, we have something called "The First Amendment." This constitutional right gives everyone here the right to say whatever they want to say. All Americans hold this right as sacred. Many of our young people put on a uniform and risk their lives to defend it. My film is all about asking the questions that should have been asked before those brave soldiers were sent into harms way. Moore here displays his misunderstanding or misrepresentation of the Constitution. For the unititated the First Amendment begins this way, "Congress shall make no law..." I try to avoid complicated Constitutional theory here, but that means precisely what it implies, Congress can't fuck with you for your opinion. Well, that's not entirely true. The Supreme Court in Schenck v. United States (1919) ruled that it can, but only in very limited circumstances. The First Amendment does not apply to private employers, which unless the government nationalized the Aladdin Hotel last Friday without telling me, happens to be the case here.
Let's assume you work in a department store, selling shoes. And let's further assume that you support the Marijuanna Party in a huge way. You really want your customers to vote for the Marijuanna Party. So you tell all the old biddies who are just looking for pumps that both Bush and Kerry are bloodless cunts and if they don't vote for the Pot Party, then they're bloodless cunts, too. Guess how long you'll have a job? If you guessed "not very", you're degree from the University of skippy Law School is in the mail. On this point, Michael Moore is either lying or stupid. Or both.
"For you to throw Linda Ronstadt off the premises because she dared to say a few words in support of me and my film, is simply stupid and Un-American. Frankly, I have never heard of such a thing happening. I read that you wouldn't even let her go back up to her room at your hotel! Are you crazy? For crying out loud, it was a song DEDICATION! To "Desperado!" Every American loves that song! Sure, some people didn't like the dedication, and that's their right. But neither they nor you have the right to remove her from your building when all she did was exercise her AMERICAN right to speak her mind. "
This paragraph is mostly redundant. I think we've established that the hotel wasn't Un-American in kicking her out. They showed a shockingly unmodern booking policy in hiring her in the first place, but that's about it.
The second part of the thought, I'd like to put to a vote. I'm not American, so I can't be absolutely certain about this. Does every American really love Desperado ? That may be the most shocking revelation about the United States I've ever heard if it's true. I personally find the song melodramatic and trite. Could that disqualify me from citizenship? Should I move to Sweden instead? Are people who hate Desperado Un-American? Should Linda Ronstadt and Michael Moore be allowed to sit on them as Don Henley personally kicks the shit out of them?
I think you owe Ms. Ronstadt an apology. And I have an idea how you can make it up to her -- and to the millions of Americans you have offended. Invite her back and I'll join her in singing "America the Beautiful" on your stage. Then I will show "Fahrenheit 9/11" free of charge to all your guests and anyone else in Las Vegas who wants to see it.
OooooOOOoooo. Michael Moore singing! A duet even! Christ, I'd love to see that. This might be the first Michael Moore or Linda Ronstadt project that I'd actually pay to see.
God, what a fucking blowhard.
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