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Wednesday, July 14, 2004
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FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF WRONGHEADED CELEBRITY FANTASIES: KELLY RIPA EDITION
I'm often a very busy boy at 9AM. On any given day, I'm doing one of four things. I'm either writing this drivel, I'm talking to the lovely Big Boobs McGee, I'm getting ready to go to the job I love to hate (and yes, there will soon be another volume of Adventures in Loss Prevention,) or I'm masturbating. All told, I'm a pretty diverse guy.
But as I finished my last post, I proceeded to the kitchen to prepare another coffee and noticed something on the television that I had carelessly left on. It was Live with Regis and Kelly. As I've noted, my morning routine doesn't usually involve television, but I was momentarily compelled by the images before me.
Now, I've never been a fan of Live, I've always found Regis to be a boor and it goes without saying that Kathy Lee Gifford is evil in ways the English language is inadequate to describe. So, I never really paid attention to the show. Occasionally, however, I would flip past and see the show and notice one thing. The new girl, Kelly Ripa, always seemed to be pregnant. As I've said, I'm not a regular viewer, but it seems to be something of a medical challenge to stay pregnant for five fucking years. I've just quickly done the math, and according to my calculations, Kelly Ripa has had 47 children since getting the job.
Well, as I passed by the TV, I noticed that Kelly isn't pregnant. At least not today. That could very well change by tomorrow morning. I noticed something else. Kelly Ripa is really cute. Not super-hot cute. But a mousy cute with an innocence that seems like a real turn on to violate. Kind of like Katie Couric.
If I've ever fancied myself a talented boy in one area, that would be network programming. I could take virtually any television show and send its ratings through the fucking roof. All I'd need is total freedom from interference. My secret? I know that everyone is every bit as depraved as I am. I just admit it in public. I know what the public wants and I'm more than ready to give it to the craven jackals.
I'm not positive of this, but I would imagine that Live does well, in the ratings. I'm surmising this based on the fact that its still on the air after 150 years and that it continues despite the fact that Regis appears to have died four years ago. But there's always room for improvement. ABC could certainly use the help, too. I know that beyond any doubt that I could get Live a 100 share inside of a month.
I'll bet you're all asking, "But however could skippy do this? That show is nothing but a recitation of the hosts boring lives and the 'insights' of vapid celebrities. The show is even more inane than Rosie O'Donnell's old show. At least it was funny watching an obviously closeted lesbian pine for the equally closeted Tom Cruise." (NOTE TO TOM CRUISE'S LAWYERS: The preceding quote was attributed to my readers. I am in no way, shape or form implying that Tom Cruise is a homosexual. Please do not sue me for a hundred million dollars!)
So how could I get every television viewer in North America to watch Live between 9 and 10 AM? The answer is simple. I'd put out a press release announcing that once a week, on randomly chosen days, Kelly Ripa would do the show in a dominatrix outfit. The ratings would skyrocket overnight. Everyone would tune in just to see how she sounds saying, "Oh, Reeg!" with a set of Ben-Wa balls whirling inside of her. The fact that she seems to be conceiving children every two or three days would even bring the fetishists on board. There would be something in it for virtually everyone. You could even dress Regis' corpse in one of those gimp outfits from Pulp Fiction when Ving Rhames is a guest.
I am now officially open to offers from network television stations for a programming job. First consideration will be given to the broadcast networks, then premium cable, then basic cable. Offers may be e-mailed to me directly through this website.Labels: Celebrity Skin
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