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Tuesday, July 13, 2004
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GOOD PARENTING
To listen to the jackals in the media tell it, there's absolutely no fun in parenting these days. They make it sound sound like the second a child is born, all the creativity in the parents just seems to ooze away.
It is in that spirit that I've done a little reasearch. It turns out that that's not exactly true. While modern parents aren't exactly out there re-inventing the wheel, they are proving rather adept at making the lives of their children as harrowing as humanly possible. And bear in mind, this is only what I've been able to gather over the last few days from one website. A more extensive search would very probably bring a far more complete and intensely chilling list of examples.
So, I've decided to lighten the mood, by turning the whole excerise into a contest. A little levity about child abuse never hurt anybody, has it? So, let's continue and decide who gets to be.....
THE ENJOY EVERY SANDWICH PARENT OF THE WEEK
And, as always, these links are not intended for the squeamish. I don't want to hear any pissing and moaning out of any you.
And the contestants are....
Mr. & Mrs. Tom Schmitz: There's a lot to be said for these two. They're notable for their enthusiasm for parenting. In their custody there were no fewer than eighteen foster or biological children.
Unfortunately, they aren't what one would ordinarily consider optimists. They figured the most thorough exercise for the children would be digging their own graves. While there's a lot to said for the wonders gravedigging can do for the lats and triceps, it doesn't do much for the sense of security or self-esteem.
Erin Pendleton: Most of my readers with children will be the first to tell you that nothing ruins a night on the town quite like pregnancy. But that's really just a state of mind. It only bothers you if you let it. And cocaine is famous for letting you forget your troubles. So much so, that it allows you the freedom to give birth in the ladies room of a sports bar and dump the child in the garbage before continuing to bar hop.
Erin should get extra points for having her 6 year old son with her and her friends during the barhopping coke binge, but I'm only the Alex Trebeck of this show. You get to decide.
Brad May & Judi Noe: is a harder one to award points for. Judi gets points for psychotic goofiness, but has them subtracted due to Brad's sanity and sense of parental responsibility. But as their daughter remains just as dead as the others, I'll let you decide.
Frances Stiles: is old-fashioned in an almost June Clever way. She has been accused of encouraging her children to attack Orthodox Jews. Sure, hating gays and blacks is all the rage with kids these days, but that's where kids often go astray - they never really learn about good, old-fashioned anti-Semitism. The classics never go away.
Veronica Martinez: is certainly angry. And, if anything, she knows that six-month olds are unlikely to fight back. And she gets points in creativity for using spoiled meat as a biological weapon. But she needed help in beating up an infant. I'll leave it to you to decide if she loses points for cowardice or gains them for resourcefulness.
An Unamed Australian Chick: didn't even know she was pregnant until she gave birth in the yard and a "dingo ate her baby." Just allowing me to use the Meryl Streep reference has got to be worth something.
Howard Harris: would have my vote as the heavyweight champion of all time worst human beings, were I allowed a vote. Bringing home your friends to gang-rape your 3-1/2 year old daughter is hard to beat. Christ, that story is hard to read, let alone contemplate.
But I leave it to you, the happy-go-lucky readers of Enjoy Every Sandich to name the EES first Parent of the Week. Because, after all, the children are our future.
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