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Wednesday, July 21, 2004
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GREAT MOMENTS IN JOURNALISM
It don't get better than this folks. I'm just incredibly pissed off that the lovely and vivacious Serenity found it first. This story is so beautiful that I'm nearly brought to tears by the joy it brings me. I imagine this is what witnessing the birth of your first child must feel like.
In recent years, I've had a couple of people tell me that I should try my hand at writing professionally. Yeah, I questioned their judgment, too. Particularly when the article I wrote included implying that a soon to be recalled governor of a major state was having a necrophelic relationship with the deceased African American former mayor of that state's largest city. Actually, I didn't imply it, I came right out and said it. People who actually know me for real universally repudiated any relationship with me after the story was published here.
I had to remind my supporters that there are actually laws against my style of writing. Really, I checked. The applicable case law can be found in New York Times Co. v. Sullivan (1964). Sullivan made the standard in proving libel or slander as knowingly publishing false material with the foreknowledge that that material is false. Since I'm almost certain that Gray Davis neither committed or even attempted sodomy on the corpse of Tom Bradley, my writings certainly qualify. And, yes, it does feel good to be a winner at something.
Of course, the Court later went on to provide skunks like me a giant loophole in Hustler Magazine v. Falwell (1988) . The Falwell precedent allows me to say virtually anything and get away with it, provided that,
- The material was satirical in nature.
- No reasonable person could be expected to believe that the satirical assertions are true.
So, I'm pretty much safe. There are also other loopholes. I'm neither an American citizen or resident. Suing Canadian douchebags with no money is expensive, complicated and ultimately, unrewarding. Of course, the people who I would expect to pay me would also be the people getting sued. And proving that my goofy little points are actually funny could get very, very expensive. That would suck for them and would most likely lead to my unemployment. My writing has already lead to unemployment and I'm here to say that there isn't much to recommend it.
Don't get me wrong, I was flattered by the compliments. And there was a voice in my mind that kept asking, "What if..." Okay, I won't lie to any of you. There are lots of voices in my head. This one was just especially prominent. But I kept asking myself, "What if I could get a professional news organization to actually pay me to settle rhetorical scores with those I loathe?" I was kept awake at night fantasizing about the very idea of it . I figured it could never happen, editors are too sharp and too merciless to allow me to get away with it once, let alone with the legions of other people I despise.
And I was wrong! I fucking HATE it when that happens! Ever since I was a child, I've lived by the creed, "Never underestimate the laziness of other people." I should've listened.
First read Serenity's post. She's much better at all this blogging shit than I am, anyway. Then to prove that this actually happened, read the Google cache file of the WLWT story from Yahoo here. Be sure to read it all the way through. There's a special treat at the very end.
I promise, you'll be asking yourself questions like, "How many people missed this?" ,"Was anyone fired for it?", "How can Raegan Butler not sue everyone involved in this sordid little tale?", "Could it be its because the assertions are true?", which, of course, leads people like me to ask the inevitable follow up, "Is Raegan Butler single?"
Again, I'd like to credit Serenity for even finding this in the first place. I hope she isn't pissed that I stole her ball, ran with it and then spiked it in the end zone of my own hideousness.
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