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Wednesday, July 21, 2004
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THE INTERNET WILL DESTROY US ALL SOMEDAY
One of the things I enjoy the most about Blogger is those dopey banner ads that Google places right on top. It's usually one of the first thing one sees as the blog itself takes an indeterminate time to load fully. Originally, I thought that you could learn much about the blog you're about to read by the banner ad displayed atop it.
There's this one ad that keeps coming up though. It's for an online dating service called ConservativeMatch.com. I've often wondered why they thought that applied to me. I've never written about using an online dating service that I can recall, mostly because I've never used one. Masturbating on camera in anonymous sex rooms using my alter-ego of CrotchEaticusOfRome has worked pretty well for me so far. And I'm not particularly conservative. I used to be when I was young and stupid, but as I get old and stupid, I find myself believing more and more in libertarian philosophy. And we all know that that philosophy consists entirely of saying, "Fuck you. I don't care. I'm bored and horny. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a 10 gallon drum of amyl nitrate to snort, a naked cousin to schtup and some Ayn Rand to read."
Maybe I keep getting conservative links because of my tirades against the left. Well, I'm no more thrilled with the modern right than I am with the loony left. In fact, I probably hate them more because they got organized enough to win elections and take over otherwise respectable political parties.
But Conservative Match fascinates me. Mostly because it seems like the anthesis of what online dating is supposed to about, which is commitment-free poontang for ugly people. Conservatives have historically been against such things. Of course, they've also been against things like illegal steel tariffs, runaway government spending and massive entitlement programs for special interest groups that will never vote for them, too. I guess life is all about evolution. Oh, I forgot. Conservatives are against that as well.
Just in case you're as curious as I was, here's how ConservativeMatch describes themselves,
ConservativeMatch is not simply another dating site, we are a real community of people who share conservative values. Our site offers much more than matchmaking, we bring people together for friendship, romance and marriage.
Not mentioning fucking once is probably a bad marketing move. Particularly since Newt Gingrich and Robert Livingston are out there with a lot of disposable income. But there's more. So much more. There's even an endorsement from Mr. Romance himself, Rush Limbaugh.
"...despite the liberal lads you've been dating, there is hope out there."
Now, I'll give Rush a pass on this one thing, since he spent so long imitating Keith Richards on his fucking birthday. Using words like "lads" in no way to get in a woman's pants unless you happen to pick one up in a Dickens novel. But Rush does know a lot about online dating. He met his wife online. Of course, she's divorcing him now... (SPECIAL MEMO TO THE LADIES: If you want a sure-fire way around those bothersome prenuptual agreements, serve your husband while he's the subject of a felony drug investigation. You'd be surprised how often that works. Really, you would.)
Part of me is dying to check out some of these profiles. That would be really funny. Fortunately, I'm still sober enough to not give my financial informartion to a company so certain to be bankrupt that they'd probably be selling it to Columbian drug cartels as quickly as I can type it. I should've had the idea for this post 5 hours from now, I guess.
Since I guess I can't do the in-depth research that you've all come to expect from me, I'll just have to use my imagination before I destroy it with codeine and beer.
Hi Ladies,
If you're tired of trying to enjoy a quiet family dinner with an unwashed liberal who believes things like the world is more than 5,000 years old, I'd like to say that I empathize. My tenth grade math teacher wouldn't stop prattling on about that the entire time I was married to her. I'm recently single "due to cancer" and am looking for a new special someone.
I promise to never look at you in an unchaste way. Although, I can't tell you that you'll never just wake up pregnant one day, even though you're a virgin. It has happened at least once before. Should that ever happen, I promise to provide you the best in supportive family values for as long as my female staffers refuse my lecherous come-ons in the elevator. I'm pretty sure they always will, too, so you'll never have to worry about the lack of a social safety net for single mothers because I spent all the money on tax breaks for the oil interests.
After our second date, we'll be joined in holy matrimony in a grand ceremony sponsored by the pharmaceutical lobby. I know you won't mind having GlaxoSmithKline's logo sewn into the back of your wedding dress if you can be assured that it only appears in the photographs of my campaign literature. I promise you that I will provide a loving, secure, family-oriented atmosphere in which we raise the 19 children neither of us plan on spending any time with.
I need to honest with you, my career is very important to me. And my career involves a great deal of travel to exotic locales. But since you'll be so glazed over with complimentary placydl and busy with consistuency-related, Stepford wife activities, you'll barely notice my absence. My travel shouldn't impact our love so long as you never question my expense account or why I have 3 dozen matchbooks from "massage houses" in Bangkok in my pockets at all times.
I've longed for "friendship, romance and marriage" and I believe that ConservativeMatch.com can leverage that for me with you.
I look forward to leavin... I mean getting to know you.
Sincerley,
Newt
Wow. I'm pretty good at this. I knew two years of advertising school would pay off someday.Labels: Fun With Politics, Laughter Joy and Lonliness and sex and sex and sex
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