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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
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O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A!.......AND ANOTHER INTERESTING DEMOCRAT CONSPIRACY THEORY
That, ladies and gentlemen, is Barack Obama. After tonight, he is the Democrat's version of Jesus. He's even the politically correct "cafe-au-lait" color that athiest liberals always look for in a diety. He's running for the United States Senate from Illinois. He's also currently running unopposed. There was this unfortunate incident with the Republican nominee wanting to fuck Seven of Nine in public. The shame that he was actually married to her while trying to fuck her drove him right out of politics. Them Mike Ditka turned out to be a big, giant fucking pussy. So, Obama stands alone.
Can you imagine what you would have said if I told you three years ago that the Democratic Party's one sure thing in a presidential year was a black guy with a last name that rhymes with "Osama." I mean, after you kicked me in the balls and called me "un-American", even though I'm a Canadian. Can you imagine that?
And I'm not kidding when I say this, but the fucking guy rocks! He rocked the casbah at the Convention tonight. People are already talking about him as a potential president. And I'm one of those people. I love this cat. He's the most talented speaker I've seen in my lifetime. He's like Bill Clinton without the obvious handicap of being....Bill Clinton or anything. He's that good! You can read his speech here.
I'm pretty sure that everybody backstage was saying, "Shit, we're nominating the wrong guy." I'm also pretty sure that Teresa Heinz-Kerry was one of the people saying it.
Instead, they're nominating this guy.
Yeah, that's the guy who I yesterday mathematically projected to be the next President of the United States. Isn't he cute, all looking like sperm, like that?
But don't worry. The Democrats, in true Democrat fashion, have tied his "the very, very, VERY beginning of life look that botox can't buy" look into the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Mary Beth Cahill, the woman who has kept Ted Kennedy pumped full of scotch for the last two decades and is currently running the Kerry campaign said so today.
It's a GREAT theory, too. You can read her full interview to Fox News (because they're "fair and objective" and stuff) here. You see, NASA is now part of the VRWC. Yeah, NASA is run by the president. But they're also funded by the Congress. Fucking with Senators isn't generally considered to a particularly bright thing for government agencies to do. They can do things like....I dunno....cut off the money.
But let's hear Mary Beth tell it.
HUME: i must ask you about this photograph that suddenly turned up and fell in our laps last night nobody thought it was come. nobody had reported on the event which led to-t but there he was, the senator, on all fours in this very peculiar outfit, which i guess nasa had given him. how did that come about?
CAHILL: well, yesterday senator john glenn, obviously he was an astronaut in his previous life sexrvings senator carr took a tour of a bio facility at nasa. it was just the two of them, and the nasa staff, and all of a sudden this is a leaked photo.
HUME: it was leaked?
CAHILL: yes.
HUME: it was made by nasa, right?
CAHILL: yes, it was.
HUME: so the campaign had no idea there would be any photographs.
CAHILL: none.
HUME: when it was agreed he would put on his th costume.
CAHILL: there was no press there. there was -- nothing. all of the sudden these photographs are out.
Okay, this is fantastic reasoning when you think it through. Presidential candidates are famous for having a lot of time on their hands. They really just like to see things. And with their "friends" at that.
You would be hard pressed to be more famous in America than John Glenn without having ever fucked J-Lo. He was the first guy in space. He is reputed to have "the right stuff." He was repeatedly re-elected to the Senate from Ohio - which is sort of important this year. He ran for president himself in 1984. He was in that musical sensation that swept the nation in the late eighties, the Keating Five. John Glenn is a pretty important guy. And we now also know that he's John Kerry's personal rabbit's foot/ backstage pass to NASA.
Secondly, and most importantly, professional political campaigns are timed down to the fucking second. NOTHING happens in a presidential campaign without that campaigns explicit say-so. Here's what happened, the campaign set up the NASA visit and figured out that they could get some Kennedy-esque "reach for the stars" pictures of their guy. They made one small miscalculation. Their guy looked like a douchebag. And worse, no one noticed this before they let the pictures go out.
HUME: do you smell a dirty trick here? CAHILL: well, what do you think?
HUME: that isa is not a particularly political organization.
CAHILL: this was a pledge i want tour, obviously that, senator glenn and senator kerry were taking at cape canaveral, and all of the sudden these photographs appeared, and, you know, take it as you may. brit: well, is there any concern that this photo might prove as embarrassing as the fabled tank photo did in 1988?
CAHILL: you know, i think probably nasa will release the photograph of senator glenn, former astronaut, in the same –
HUME: in fact, there is a shot with a bunch of them in these outfits. he is not running, of course.
CAHILL: and the thing is this is a legitimate tour of a nasa facility, and this photograph appeared out of nowhere. we were surprised. we're not surprised now.
HUME: you don't have anyone in mind? do you think -- CAHILL: i don't.
Okay, let's assume Cahill's little fairy tale is true for a second. Why wasn't someone from the campaign in there, looked at the suit and said "fuck NO"?
Of course, Cahill is lying and lying in a way that's easily proveable should one only use one's head. But no matter how you cut it, Kerry/Edwards is handling the picture like amatuer hour. And if the keep it up, I'll think about revising my numbers a lot sooner than I'm planning to.
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