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Sunday, July 11, 2004
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SHE'S NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN.....BUT SHE SOUNDS LIKE A WHOLE LOT OF FUN
I trust that everybody remembers Jason Alexander?
No, not THAT guy. What has HE ever done with his life?
Instead, I bring you the former Mr. Britney Spears. For those of you with exceptionally good memories, you'll remember that, all the way back in ....January, that Mr. Alexander was the man that Britney declared to be the love of her weekend. They fucked, often and well. They wed. They annulled. Now he's telling all.
Indeed, there's no business like show business.
I've long held a theory about the former Mrs. Alexander. That theory consists of the fact that I thought she'd be a lousy lay. Which would be perfect for me. You don't get worse in bed than me. There's nothing sexy about me. Actually, my theory isn't specific to Britney, but it does apply.
You see, there's this thing about really, really hot women that sets off warning bells. These bells tell me that this is a woman who is so used to the world kissing her ass because she's good looking that she's never had to learn how to impress a man. I further theorize that she could just lay there and I'd be grateful for that.
I can't tell you how saddening it is that she'd be right.
Jason Alexander is here to tell you that I'm completely full of shit. In fact, young Jason wants you to know that his former bride is "an animal" in bed.
Yeah, I guess I can see that.
But I know what all my gentlelady readers are thinking. "Dude, he's 22! Guys have no idea how to fuck when they're under 25! What the fuck does he know?" If I had a nickle for every time I've heard this, I'd be rich. Remember how I said I was a lousy lay? Good. I never said anything about my cunnilingus skills. I'm perception alteringly good at that. As a matter of fact, I've recently heard that from someone I've never gone down on. Someone I did go down told a friend. And he told two friends. And they told two friends. And so on. And so on... It's kind of flattering, actually.
So let's take an objective look at Britney's carnal skillz, shall we?
"We knew what was going to happen," he said. "Britney started stripping off her clothes as she walked into the suite. Then we started kissing.
"She got down to just her black thong and a see-through lace bra. I've never seen a woman look more stunning.
Yeah, I can imagine that would look pretty good. Actually, I don't need to imagine it. I've seen it. Who hasn't? But I digress.
"I wanted to make love to her and she wasn't shy in showing what she wanted. We started off in the bedroom kissing. She was good at that - she was good at everything. She was an animal in bed.
Actually, I'm not sure if that constitutes being "an animal" in bed. I've had that kind of sex. Usually, "animal" sex starts off with a woman shoving three fingers in my ass, grabbing the back of my neck with her other hand and growling, "You're not leaving this room until you fuck the shit out of me, you stupid, ugly bastard" and then biting my lower lip really hard. It would appear that my experience differs somewhat from Mr. Alexander's.
"We were both hot so I led her into the bathroom. There was a huge shower head that sent water down on to us as though it was rain. We stripped off competely and got into the shower and Britney performed oral sex on me as the water ran down over both of us.
Shower head? That sounds really hot. I know this because I've never had it. Oh, c'mon, I know you all love me because I share so much.
"Afterwards I led her back into the bedroom. At first she was on top of me and then I was on top. We did it every way you could. But it wasn't cheap. I really cared about her and it felt right.
I will say this, under ordinary circumstances, 55-hour marriages are anything BUT cheap. Usually, they're phenominally expensive. Don't ask me how i know that....
"At times she was noisy. She didn't call me any names, she just moaned. We didn't use any precautions either."
There's so much I could say here. Firstly, noisy is hot. But name-calling is even hotter. The "stupid, ugly bastard" thing usually sets me off like a fucking RPG. Oh, and the not using any precautions part is particularly smart. Most of us aren't going to have weekend long nupuals with international celebrities. Most guys will marry some drunk braoad we met in a hotel bar and played strip parcheezie with for sixteen hours. Often times, a guy will figure that won't cost them enough in the long run. Getting them knocked up usually rectifies that problem right quick. That's YEARS of emotional and financial agony.
After sex they fell asleep in each other's arms.
"I woke up and was really aroused again," said Jason. "Britney was asleep but when I tried it on with her she didn't hold back. She said she wanted to be with me and I told her I wanted to be with her.
Ummmmm, Dude? Didn't you say something like, "I AM with you. What, you think I've left already?"
"She said she wanted me to go with her on tour. I thought she was vulnerable and wanted to take care of her."
This is woman code for "You're a really good fuck. The fact that you're a nobody is a bonus. Every time I've fucked a celebrity on the road - let's say, hypothetically, Justin Timberlake or Fred Durst - they've held a press conference about my twat the following morning. But you'll never go to the press, will you?"
During the day, Britney and her friends went to the hotel spa while Jason chatted with her bodyguards
It's my understanding that being left with the help during the non-naked fun time spells is not a good sign for a relationship.
"When she got back I was in the bath," he said. "She came in, stripped off and got into the tub with me. First we were scrubbing each other. Then she got on top of me and we had sex. She was a natural, with the most fantastic a*** I've ever felt. She was proud of her body and she often just wandered around with nothing on."
I will say this, Britiney spears does have a "fantastic a***." I'd marry the dopey bitch just to tap it every so often. Am I crazy to think she'd dig that? Besides, she's never been with a stupid, ugly bastard like me. We tend to be VERY attentive. I can provide written references on request, too.
As to her being proud of her body and walking around with nothing on to show it off, isn't that her JOB?
The following night it was off to Planet Hollywood for dinner.
He said: "Britney wanted to stay out and I wanted to go to bed, so she made me promise that if I made love to her all night we could go back to the room.
Now, I'm very old. One advantage that my advanced years brings is experience. And it's my experience that successful relationships are built on compromise. Acordingly, if Jason fucked Britney on the table at Planet Hollywood, he might still have her today.
"The sex was mind-blowing and rough. We did it in every position you could think of. It was so wild we managed to fall off the bed together."
Now there's something my female readers should know at this point, particularly the younger ones. While rough sex is often the best sex, this is not true in every position. The male sex organ is far more...delicate than it appears to be. So, if you're on top and getting enthusisastic, for Christ's sakes, don't bend too far back! Nothing will end Naked Fun Time faster than a strained schvantz!
There was more sex the next night. "This time I remember she was wearing a beautiful purple and pink set of underwear," said Jason. "Afterwards, we were chatting in bed, cuddled up and naked, saying we didn't want the trip to end when she said, 'I want to ask you something but I don't know how to'.
"I told her she could ask me anything. She acted really shy and said, 'Will you marry me?'
If there's one thing all young people know, it's that all of the most successful marriages are based on a foundation of sex. That's why marriages performed before the couple is 30 tend to last forever.
"I said yes and she jumped out of bed, flung her jeans on and yelled, 'Let's do it now'. She was ecstatic. She didn't even put her panties on in the rush as she slipped on her jeans. We ran downstairs and jumped into the hotel limo. I'll never forget saying, 'Take us to the nearest chapel - we're getting married'."
Britney got married sans-panties? Christ, I can't tell you how sexy that is. Would it surprise any of you to learn that I'm typing with only one hand at this point?
"When we got there they said we needed a marriage licence so we had to go to a court house that was open 24 hours.
A 24 hour courthouse? God bless Vegas! They don't call it "Disneyland for the Stupid" for nothing, you know.
"As we walked in a couple pointed at Britney and said, 'You look just like that girl off the TV that sings'. I turned round and said, 'Do you really think that chick would marry a man like me?'
I'd be thinking things like, "Of fucking course not! She must be drunk!" Perhaps Jason should've followed this line of reasoning. On the other hand, it beats other phrases heard in Vegas, such as, "You look just like Tupac Shakur! You are! Really? BANG, BANG, BANG!"
"Britney and I giggled our heads off. We got the certificate and rushed back to the chapel. I paid the 700 dollars for the best package they could do. Britney picked it. We had flowers, video, a photographer, a pianist and a registrar. I said she should walk down the aisle on her own but Britney wanted to be traditional and so she asked the limo driver if he'd do the honour.
Here's a little secret about me. As much as I write about my passion for depravity, I'm an old fashioned guy at heart. And I love old fashioned girls. So, when I get married, I'm going to insist that my bride be walked down the aisle by her limo driver. That's non-negotible. A deal breaker, for sure. I need SOME compatibility.
I remember her walking towards me and we looked into each other's eyes. We knew there was something special between us. As we said our vows we held hands, it meant a lot to both of us.
"The registrar said I could kiss the bride and it was the most special kiss of my life.
So special, in fact, that the kiss took up a significan percentage of the total length of the marriage.
"She kept saying how happy she was but when we got back to the room her friends didn't congratulate us, they just looked shocked."
Go figure. Look on the bright side, Jason. It could've been worse. You and the wife could've returned to the room, broke the news and her friends could've said, "Not AGAIN!" The friends of Elizabeth Taylor can tell you how that works.
The newlyweds went into their suite and celebrated with Cristal champagne and talked about a honeymoon to the Carribean island of Nevis.
Cristal and vacation plans? I've said this before, and I'll say it again; nothing kills hot sex quite like marriage. The whole trip, she can't stay off his cock, and the second she says, "I do" all she can think about is having a drink and leaving the country.
Jason added: "I remember saying, 'Your name isn't Spears now, it's Alexander'. We had a spiritual connection. We knew we should be together."
This kid is so niave that's its just adorable. He still doesn't realize that, even when he's 90, people like me will still be referring to him as "Mr. Britney Spears."
I should also note that spiritual connetions are the most intense ones. Intense spiritual connections are much like shooting stars. And when was the last time you saw a shooting star last a whole, entire weekend?
"We'd married just after 4am and by 7am we knew we had to phone our families. It was horrendous.
"Britney phoned her mum and I heard Lynne screaming back at her. She went nuts."
Show business parents are NEVER supportive. There are any number of books by embittered former child stars who explain this in detail. To be fair though, somebody has to be concerned with Britney's image as a filthy little slut. God only knows what kind of damage a drunken, quicky Vegas wedding can do to that image.....
Then the story goes into all the boring "childhood friends" suff that's neither hot nor funny, so let's skip that. Let's get to the beginning of the sexual tension.
In October 2002 Britney returned to Kentwood. "This time we went to stay with her cousin in Baton Rouge and that's when we kissed for the first time," he said. "We were talking in her room and she kissed me softly. Then she straddled me and started kissing more passionately. I thought about sex but didn't pursue it, even though she wasn't with Justin then."
Dude, you have a piece of ass tart like Britney Spears kissing you passionately and grinding in your lap and you're thinking of Justin? I'm starting to get a MUCH clearer idea of why the marriage didn't work out.
"Later she came on to me again and kissed me. She has the most seductive puppy-dog eyes when she flirts with you.
Here's another secret about me, I LIVE for the whole "seductive puppy-dog eyes" thing. Particularly during a blow job. Now you know, I'm the last of the great romantics.
"I didn't tell the world about this before because I still hoped we'd get back together," said Jason. "But I now realise she won't come back to me."
Girls, this is commonly known as "blackmail." It's really sad when it doesn't work, but it does give me endless amounts of material to write about.
But our Britney has persevered and learned to love again.
Britney, also 22, is now planning to marry new fiance Keith Federline, 26, after he left his heavily-pregnant partner Shar Jackson.
Ladies, I don't need to tell you this, but when a guy leaves his "heavily pregnant" girlfriend for you, how can it NOT be love. Especially when said heavily pregnant partner looks like this;
Perhaps I've grown up spirtually misguided. I've never believed in reincarnation. But I can't overlook the possibility that I'm wrong. If I am, can I come back as Keith Federline's penis?
Now, some people might view a super handsome guy leaving his knocked up girlfriend for someone less knocked up and more famous as being unforgivably shallow. Other people, like me, might see it as having just TOO much love for any one woman. Keith might just be the Jesus of poontang.
But that's just me. I've always been one of those "glass half full" guys.
One shouldn't worry about Mr. Alexander. He'll always have the memories of that magical weekend. Memories that will haunt him every waking moment of his life. Memories of love gained and love lost. Memories that will eventually drive him insane. Memories of this;
Mr & Mrs. Britney Spears, January 3 - Sometime Later That Weekend, 2004
I think that we've all learned several lessons from this story. I think we should review them.
I) The guy from "Seinfeld" did not marry Britney Spears.
II) The guy who did marry Britney Spears is an idiot.
III) Britney Spears is a much better lay than one should reasonably expect her to be.
IV) I'm a much worse lay than one should reasonably expect me to be.
V) This is mitigated by my superhuman clam-diving prowess. Eventually you'll hear about it in a fucking chat room.
VI) This is only true due to my ugliness and stupidity. Men like me need at least one redeeming feature if we are expected in taking part in propogating the speicies. On the other hand, if you put half of your hand up our asses, call us horrible names and bite our faces, we'll produce enough semen to repopulate Cincinatti in the event of a catastrophe.
VII) I suspect that shower blowjobs would be fun, but only have anctedotal evidence of this.
VIII) Guys under 25 don't know how to fuck.
IX) People under 30 shouldn't get married.
X)Getting married without panties is highly sexy
XI) Las Vegas should be outlawed.
XII) Brides should always be escorted down the aisle by limo drivers.
XIII) Show business parents suck.
XIV Everyone who gets into Britney's pants will eventually go to the press about it. Turns out that touting that virniity wasn't so smart after all.
XV) I'm the last of the great romantics.
XVI) I'm an optimist.
Class dismissed.
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