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Wednesday, July 07, 2004
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"WE'RE SO PRETTY/ OH, SO PRETTY/ WE'RE VACANT"
Q "If I could try another Edwards question. He's being described today as charming, engaging, a nimble campaigner, a populist, and even sexy. How does he stack up against Dick Cheney?"
THE PRESIDENT: "Dick Cheney can be President."
"Next."
President George W. Bush
Raleigh Durham International Airport
Raleigh, North Carolina
This morning.
John Kerry announced his running mate choice yesterday. And, in true John Kerry fashion, he picked the one guy who brought absolutely nothing to the table. I should have predicted this. I was convinced that he was going to with Richard Gephardt. I admit that I was wrong and I apologize to the three retards out there who actually rely on me for actual news, as opposed to updates on how frequently I jerk off on a given day.
My reasons for being behind Gephardt were pretty astute, all things considered. Gephardt is from Missouri, where he is turning-water-to-wine-popular. Missouri is a very important state. It has gone with the winner in every election save one, 1956, since the dawn of time. Bush only won Missouri by three points in 2000 (only one of three states I called wrong, the others being West Virginia and Florida.) John Kerry should really, really want to carry Missouri if he actually plans on being president someday.
Dick Gephardt is also more popular than Jesus with unions. He's like the fucking Beatles with them. It wouldn't at all surprise me to learn that he knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. Unions, while ordinarily a monumental pain in the fucking ass, are very important in politics. They have a boatload of money and lots of enthusiastic zombies who will "get out the vote" by threatening to break the legs of those don't vote early....and often. This is how Kennedy won the West Virginia primary which ultimately made him president. Having union support is generally accepted to be a good thing if you're a Democrat. Besides taking Missouri, Gephardt would also put the undead hardhat states of Michigan, Ohio and Pennsylvania in play. If Kerry won those four states, it would almost be mathematically impossible for him to lose.
John Edwards, on the other hand, brings nothing. He's from North Carolina, which is one of the most Republican states in the country. If Bush loses there, nothing can save him. The only reason Edwards sought the Democratic nomination in the first place was that his re-elect polling for his senate seat there was 32%, which is about what your average convicted child-molester can reasonably expect. For Edwards the decision was either run for president or get kicked right out of professional politics.
Edwards is pretty though. Super pretty. Christ, I'd like to fuck him. And I'm famously picky. This should be looked at through its proper prism. Brad Pitt is also pretty and no one expects him to do anything other than fuck Jennifer Anniston, badly, and professionally play pretend. It should be remembered that one J. Danforth Quayle was also pretty. We all remember how that worked out, right? A spelling bee and sit com criticism come to mind.
It should be noted that Democrats LOVE John Edwards. It should also be noted that they also loved George McGovern, Walter Mondale and Michael Dukakis. Democrats really, REALLY love the underdog. They're professional losers.
Senator Edwards does have a great life story, though. And he never tires of telling it. His father was an illiterate millworker who sent his boy off to college for some book-learning. None of his forefathers went to college, busy as they were seceding from the Union and lynching Negroes. Edwards excelled at things like learning how to read and he went on to become the most successful ambulance chaser in ALL of Dogpatch. He became the champion of people who don't know that coffee is hot and shouldn't be poured on their crotches. Edwards ensured that these people became millionaires. After all, even morons need a summer home neighboring P Diddy's.
You're all smart folks. I don't have to tell you all how much you love trial lawyers. I'm sure you all know that guy in your town who was arrested for making kiddie-porn in his basement. Remember that warm, fuzzy feeling you got when you saw his attorney? You can vote for that feeling now.
The debates should be fun though. Dick Cheney is famously compassionate. Particularly when you consider that he literally has no heart. He's like a nasty version of the lion in the Wizard of Oz. You needn't believe me. Just ask your average Iraqi. Oh, who am I kidding? Not only will Cheney eat Edwards' lunch, he'll beat his kids and take their lunch money to buy a fresh supply of nitroglycerine. Jon Stewart has repeatedly described the vice-president as a "murderous cyborg." This is why I admire him. He'll annhiliate Edwards.
As I've written in this space before, picking a running mate is the single decision a non-incumbent candidate can make that demonstrates what kind of president he will be. This is especially true if, like John Kerry, you have well documented problems with the truth. Kerry could have made a bold pick from left field, like Bush did with Cheney. There are any number of serious people in the Democratic party who could actually help Kerry govern. Who did he go with? A pretty boy shyster who served in elective office for all of 13 seconds before deciding, "I'ma gone be somebody!" The fact that the running mate has emerged from a profession slightly less respected than cooking crystal meth in your trailer only serves to compound the problem.
Kerry went the "safe" route. And apparently there is no one around him sharp enough to say, "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!"
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