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Tuesday, August 24, 2004
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ASK skippy: PART NINE
Trevor (who provides no link) asks the following:
Can you give me some advice on how to tell my girlfriend we need to slow down a little bit? She has recently began planning our lives, including future home and names of children.....or should I just run and never look back. We have been dating a year, but I'm just trying to finish graduate school before I think about the heavier issues of life!
Hmmmmm, this is a little difficult as I really don't know anything about your girlfriend other than what you wrote. So I'm going to have to make a number of assumptions. Firstly, by mentioning graduate school, I'm assuming that you're both in your late twenties. If I'm right, that in itself is very telling.
Women that age (who actually are looking toward such things) tend to get very, very antsy if they're looking at turning 30 without a husband and at least one kid. This is completely understandable, biology being what it is. Another reasonable assumption is that she is now older than her parents were when she was born. Based on demographics and such, this is likely. And it also goes a long way in explaining her rush. Women, far more so than men, tend to view their relationships through the prism of their parent's. This works both ways, if her parents have a happy marriage, she wants that, if they don't, they seek the opposite (or don't want to marry at all.)
If my assumptions are correct, and I hate to say this, you're fucked.
You can try, in the gentlest way possible, to tell her to chill the fuck out. But that won't work. If the two of you were 5 years younger, it might. But assuming that you're both closing in on 30 (or slightly past it), that's not going to fly. She's got white picket fence and 2.5 kids in the yard fever. Rationally explaining that you're not yet ready to properly provide for a family (and ALWAYS play the financial angle rather than the emotional one) is something that she might intellectually understand, but that'll only carry you so far. Her own biological impulses and the psychological need to live up to the standards she thinks her parents set for her will overwhelm logic within about 30 seconds.
The way I see it, you have two options here. Both are going to sound brutal, but that's part of my charm.
1) Give her what she wants, get married and be miserable. Chances are you'd be divorced within the decade, anyway. Besides, divorce makes kids interesting. Ask Kurt Cobain....Oh, right...bad example.
2) Flee. The fact that you're even considering marrying her eventually tells me that you actually do love her. But she has certain expectations for things that she wants immediately, which you can't immediately provide. Sit her down and tell her in the nicest way possible that you can't give her what she wants right away. Firstly, it's the truth and she probably does deserve that. Secondly, that makes the odds that she leaves you better than even. You get to be the good guy by being honest. You have no idea how helpful this will be in attempting to sleep with her friends later.
But talking marriage with someone you've only been with a year is insane. Particularly when you're not settled yet. Nothing will get two people who like each other, but don't really KNOW each other at each other's throats faster than a quickie wedding followed with financial pressure. My understanding is that graduate school is very expensive. So are houses. Children are more costly still. Get married now, but know that you'll have to drop out of school, probably within six months. Children are also very noisy and demanding. This will make studying a challenge. So you marry her and you'll resent her for the rest of your life. Women, oddly enough, resent being resented.
It's a recipie for disaster. And if you think everything I detailed is expensive, just wait till you hear what a divorce can potentially cost.
That's probably not what you want to hear, but it's the best that I can do.
Hope it helped.
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