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Wednesday, August 04, 2004
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ASK skippy, VOLUME THREE
At long last, a question from the beautiful and brilliant Sadie. She has a "battle of the sexes" question that she further elaborated here<
/a> and here.
Can men and women truly be "just friends"? If so...under what circumstances is this possible?
This is a difficult question to answer, if only because women tend to be truth-averse, at least in this area. Because of the differing psychological dynamics of the sexes, the issue is a potential minefield, replete with potentially explosive misunderstandings.
From what I've read of Sadie's writing on the matter, she seems to define "friends" as two people who not only do not have sex with one another, but do not even think about it. Under that definition, I would have to say no, friendship is impossible.
People with penises tend to have more active sexual imaginations than those without. We will think about having sex with every woman we know. This is not to say that we want to have sex with all of you, or even that we would, given the opportunity. But we will always consider the possibility. Whether this is a consequence of biology or conditioning is a matter of debate. But it is a fact nonetheless.
I would contend that thinking about, or even desiring carnal relations with a female acquaintances shouldn't preclude a friendship. If a young lady ever wonders if her male friend has masturbated while thinking of her, it's much easier to assume that he has. Firstly, it minimizes any confusion. Secondly, she's far more likely to be right.
This leads to an obvious question, so what? I write this assuming that the overwhelming majority of my readers are in their twenties or thirties. I'm therefore assuming a certain maturity level in both parties. Is this a dangerous assumption? Probably.
Let's use a hypothetical scenario of two friends, one male, the other female. Let's also assume that the male is desirous of intimate relations with the female, as is usually the case. And, as I've already noted, the female should assume this until the reverse is proven. Whether a friendship can be maintained is entirely dependent on how it is dealt with. Coming straight out and saying, "Hey, I'd really like to fuck you" will probably make a friendship impossible. The cringe factor is unlikely to ever go down after such a conversation.
This is where subtlety comes in. If little hints are dropped from time to time, there shouldn't be a problem. Most adult men are used to expectations being rebuffed. Are there female friends of mine that I'd like to fuck? Sure there are. Dozens of them, as a matter of fact. But I'd also like to running my very own Latin American country. As an adult, I can deal with the disappointment of neither happening. Of course, I've never gotten all Clarence Thomas on any of these young ladies. I've also never launched a coup in Paraguay. I understand that what I'd like to happen and what is likely to happen are almost always two different things. And, for the most part, I can live with that.
I should also state for the record that, for the purposes of this discussion, I'm separating sex from love. Men are universally good at this. Women, generally speaking, are less so. If there are two friends of differing sexes and one falls in love with the other, forget about it. The friendship is doomed. I've had female friends that I've fallen in love with and the friendship survived. This is largely due to the fact that in those cases I never brought my affection to the young ladies' attention. People are much better at ignoring the elephant in the room that you would think.
But that's me. As Michael Jackson once famously opined, "I'm not like other guys." Indeed, I'm very probably the exception that proves the rule. I have such damaged self-esteem that I enter most such situations with the full knowledge that my desires will remain unfufilled, so I do nothing to compound the problem. But these are professional tricks performed by professionals and not intended for home use.
So, let's say you're an attractive woman (and I can testify that Sadie is very attractive.) The safest thing to assume is that every man you know has thought about having sex with you. This is not to say that we don't value your friendship, or think of you as something less than a complete person with separate admirable qualities. It's just what we do. Guys think about fucking attractive women. We're programmed that way. You can bemoan that fact as much as you'd like, but it doesn't change that fact. You may as well rail at dogs for licking their balls.
More often than not, the fact that we'd like to fuck you won't become an issue. Most adults know that we can't always get what we want. Shit, we're thrilled if we get it two percent of the time. But with the knowledge that we want to roger you randily comes a responsibility. Don't fucking encourage it. Most people like feeling desired. Women, again, generally speaking, tend to play up to the flattery, thinking that it's harmless. This is where confusion starts. Men are not particularly psychologically complex creatures. If we sense that you're encouraging our desire for you, we often won't realize that you're merely basking in flattery. We'll think you're receptive to our advances. Male stupidity and female ego are often an explosive combination. That's where things get ugly.
The basic problem in male/female non-sexual relationships is misunderstanding. Women don't understand that sex is often dissassociated from love by most men. Men don't understand that ego gratification is fulfilling, in and of itself, to most women. This is what leads to misunderstandings, and it's the misunderstandings, along with their attendant bruised egos, that destroy friendships.
So, in answer to the question "can men and women just 'be friends?'" Yes, they can. But that's a very qualified yes. It requires the understanding of what both sides are and that you're not likely to change that. Which is, oddly enough, true in most relationships.
Of course, what the fuck do I know? I'm stupid, ugly and damaged. This is hardly Outback Jack you're asking.
Most of what I've written in this post is going to piss of virtually everyone who reads it.
Let the screaming begin.
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